


Of Cranes and Turtles

by MelissaKeith



Series: What's in a Name? [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Audio Diary Format, Blind Character, Buddhism, Childhood Sexual Abuse, F/M, Gen, Jashinism, M/M, Psychological, Self-Insert, Trans Character, Trigrams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-01-15 22:30:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 43,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12330165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelissaKeith/pseuds/MelissaKeith
Summary: Reincarnation is a fascinating concept, well-worth experiencing, though I could have done without the resulting identity crises, I think...But in a world where childhood innocence is a rare commodity, I suppose I'm fortunate to have another life to reflect upon.(Warnings are for chapters six and fifteen)





	1. Chapter 1

_[decoded and transcripted]_

I don't know how to tell this story, but I know that most people start from the beginning. Even if I am only telling this for my own sanity, I mean to take it seriously.

If I had thought beforehand about how things might go if I were reincarnated, I would not have expected to remember things better after dying.

Self awareness was difficult when I was a baby, but for the most part I will not whine about that. I had a lot of time to think about my past life and realize how much I regretted. I had always been more selfless than selfish when I could manage it as I believed that there was nothing better than to serve others. And yet I had died that way, killed by someone I tried to help.

I will spare you the details: the point is that I decided as a baby that I would not be the same person I was. So much of my time was spent thinking on my regrets that I did not realize I could recognize the language spoken by those around me. It also took me a shockingly long time to realize that I was completely blind.

In all reality, being a toddler was torture. There was no day quite as exciting as the day that I first managed to stand. And as I was taking my first steps, my parents were working.

They were rich, belonging to some family that apparently mattered. The details were vague to me for a very long time, but the important piece is that I was initially raised mostly by servants. When I did hear from my parents, they always seem disgusted with me. At the time, I figured that was fair. Babies could be incredibly disgusting.

I hate to think how long it would have taken me to learn how to speak if I did not already have a past life's worth of knowledge... After all, I only realize my own blindness because of the comment made by Nana on my third birthday.

Even in this world there are similar customs for entertaining children on their birthdays. I overheard Nana planning my party with the cook, and...

"Maa, I always liked games like that!" I have since assumed that they had a book on children's parties to point at. "But... It'd be silly to cover her eyes, when our little lady already can't see, and if no other child can come..."

Three year olds are not known for their dexterity. I want to make that clear before I say that I immediately poked myself in the eye. My intention had been to test whether or not my eyes were closed, for I realized I could not remember seeing light. Though I felt I knew Nana well, I had no idea what she looked like.

I did take this realization pretty well, though. I had learned Braille once, even if it wasn't for Japanese. I could learn it again.

"Nana," I soon asked, "What do you call something that can't see?"

"Well, my lady... The word is 'blind'."

"How do blind people read?"

Except, she had no concept of writing for the blind. "Perhaps your uncle will know," she had said without any real hope in her voice. I made sure to throw toys accidentally in her direction for the remainder of the day.

My uncle rarely visited. When he did, I knew only because of the way Nana spoke to him; he never spoke to me. Even his footsteps were quiet, and I sometimes wondered if he was actually there. It would have been easy for Nana to lie to me.

I was... Lucky, in that the following day I heard her say the usual phrase: "Welcome to this humble home, Shimura-san. Would you care for a drink?" Nana used 'sama' with my parents, so I could figure out that this was my uncle.

My mother was his real niece. She had told me that he was a strict and unforgiving man, but she was similar so I did not think that held much weight.  I had still gone out of my way to ensure that the rooms were clean, even cleaning my own. Nana checked that the look was appropriate, and chose photos to place in the living room.

My plans for the day after my third birthday went horribly awry very quickly, however.

"That will not be necessary. I have come with ill news," my uncle said. I heard paper shuffle, and Nana gasp.

I remember that I felt impatient as they stood in the entryway. My focus had been on learning to read, and I was spoiled. I probably assumed that the ill news related to someone I did not know.

Instead, I found myself packing. My parents had died on duty, and my uncle was not willing to pay for a blind girl's life. "This is an enduring family," I thought he'd said, "and you can't do it as you are now."

A fun fact that I soon realized: shinobi as in ninja, and shinobi as in endurance - they're said the same way.

My past self had read a lot of fanfiction - a ridiculous amount of fanfiction - especially about people who are reincarnated into this ninja world. Even so, all those people had had advantages. I was three years old, blind, spoiled, and already all alone.

"Maybe if you could be a ninja you could go back," my new roommate told me on the first night. Maybe it would've been comforting if I had any chance of doing so... But I didn't see a decent path for weeks.

I was bound to be useless whether or not I tried to do anything. That was why, for three weeks, I paid no mind to what the orphanage staff asked of me. My nice clothes were stolen and other children began to pick on me, but I didn't care: I knew only my own depression.

And... yes, that is a trend of my life. As I have already said, I chose to be selfish.


	2. Chapter 2

_[decoded and transcripted]_

I remember reading debates in my past life, about whether children were born innocent and grew selfish - or whether they were born selfish and spent their lives learning kindness.

I, as Kagome, find myself to be the latter; my roommate was more like the former.

Fumiko was not my only roommate, actually, but I have forgotten the others. Still, she was dreadfully annoying and friendly. If we weren't in a time of war, she would have been adopted right away; and her desperation for a family was palpable.

"Nee, lil sis, do you want some mochi? I've been saving it for you, but you have to come downstairs to get it!"

She said things like that to me, poking and prodding and tickling. I would try to play dead, or argue - "I can't go to the kitchen. I'd slip on the stairs," or, "I don't even like mochi, and I'm not hungry," and the like.

But she was persistent. By my third week there, I had to give in or risk losing my mind. I finally let her manhandle me across the room and down the hall, and then on down the stairs. It was the first time I had ever eaten around so many people.

I mentioned that babies are gross. There was once a time that I genuinely liked children, but they're honestly even more disgusting.

Crunch crunch, munch munch - the one sitting across from me would laugh, and spray me with food. It became a daily tradition. Arguably, it was my first opportunity to learn real awareness, as well as defense. Many a time someone would admit after a meal that they had stuck their grubby hands on my plate, or spat in my food. I puked, the first couple of times, and begged and plead to eat on my own again. But the staff, quickly fed up with my attitude, wouldn't allow it.

Having the mind of an educated adult made life in an orphanage difficult. If not for Fumiko, my bitterness probably would have seen me on the streets. She was the one that forced me to talk, that forced me to try and get along with others.

Two years passed that way, and I got used to my life. Someone gave me a stick to find my way with, but the orphanage had engraved itself in my brain; even climbing trees and going on swings didn't scare me.

Without knowing it, I had fallen into incredibly good habits. Meditation, curiosity, and strict attention to my surroundings were essential to my day by age five, and a new matron had begun to teach everyone - even me - the basics of self-defense.

That _kind_ lady, Nonou, had come to the orphanage after having spent a good while out on the battlefield searching for children. She had brought more than a dozen back with her, including one that I should have anticipated - Kabuto.

It took me a year to realize what he'd been named, and to connect him with an anime character. It was about then that I became even more sure. I had been willing to accept it, if the whole ninja war thing Fumiko spoke of was some kind of joke - but this was the final nail.

More importantly, it was the first time I had consciously grabbed someone's face. Anime characters were two dimensional, with flawless skin and smoothly shaped bodies, but I could remember exactly what little Kabuto should look like and I needed to know how it compared to the reality.

"I'm going to give you pimples," I probably told him. That might even have been our first meeting.

The knowledge that he would someday become a serpentine necromancer only made me more smug when he began to call me 'Oneesama', and shiver when I entered a room.

He was two years younger than me, and absolutely precious... You might argue with me now, but he was the least grubby kid I have ever known. He didn't know anything, but wasn't embarrassed about it. I used him to ask questions that I felt were too stupid to ask for myself, and he never ratted me out.

Fumiko, though, she never liked him. "He says he doesn't remember anything about himself... But that's really suspicious. Somebody like that shouldn't be so close to the Hidden Leaf."

I still am not sure if Kabuto was a sleeper agent for somebody already, but he was like... Three. I just couldn't take her seriously.

That became a tangent, but the topic was meant to focus on my fifth year as Kagome. Against all expectations, I was allowed to join the ninja academy with Fumiko and a couple of others.


	3. Chapter 3

_[decoded and transcripted]_

Many ninja have lost their eyes in the field and continued to fight; but in Konoha's seventy year history, never had a ninja began their career while blind.

I would be the first.

I got off to a pretty rocky start, as the class began with a focus on reading and writing. Even those grammar lessons had history lessons within them, though. And while Fumiko was not too enthusiastic, she still read aloud as carefully as she could.

It became a bit of a game for us, as I would repeat the full sentence when she was done reading to check if she had done so correctly, and I began to give up my snacks to her on days where she did particularly well.

Spending her free time reading schoolwork aloud couldn't have been fun... I will never understand why she bothered. What was I to her? A charity case?

... At any rate, some other kids would sometimes listen in. As I already knew how intelligent he could become, I encouraged Kabuto to learn to read. He struggled at first, but Nonou realized he needed glasses and he was soon talking me through picture books.

Many of those also contained propaganda - he had a book about Konoha's founding, and his descriptions were fascinating. "There's, ano, a hedgehog guy and... The Founder! Ano, I know the Shodaime was a guy, but it looks like he's marrying the hedgehog man... And they're both kind of girly... Well, it says... Shi.... No, ji... Something... Ya..."

 I was left to wonder how the Madara and Hashirama he might someday meet would feel about that. Valiantly, I did not laugh. Also, I would later discover that the image depicted the Senju and Uchiha coming together, and he had been sounding out the page's only word - treaty.

My first few months in the Academy were more fun than anything, really. The way I felt around Fumiko and Kabuto gave me hope that I could enjoy this life more than my last.

It was with that hope that I chose to acknowledge something my past self was never selfish enough to properly address: my gender.

"Nonou, can I talk with you? Alone?" I couldn't hear anyone around, but that didn't mean much.

It was rather late at night, but that was intentional. I hoped that if this talk went poorly, we could both sleep on it.

"Of course. My office?"

She had a couple other kids with damaged eyes, and Nonou handled us well. For me, she knew that I didn't like being touched. Instead she would take louder steps and tap obstacles to guide me around; I wouldn't have realized that it was intentional if Kabuto hadn't compared it to the way she guided Koori by hand. Nonou's kindness was always unassuming.

"Alright... There's no one else. What did you want to talk about?" She asked, after we were both sitting. Her office was tiny, but pleasant. It generally smelled of disinfectant, as it was used like a nurse's office.

"Nonou-san..." I don't think I was nervous, so much as attempting to say things properly. "This is a dumb question, forgive me, but..."

"I'm sure it isn't," she reassured me.

"Mm... Nonou-san, do I have to be a girl?"

It was the optimal question to begin with, as it tested the waters. I had no idea how people here regarded such questions, so I didn't want to start ambitiously.

It surprised her, which just about figured. But her conclusions were off. "Kagome-chan, you know that I was a kunoichi once?"

I did. I also knew that she would be one again. "Umm... Yes?"

She laid a hand on my forearm, startling me slightly. "No matter what anyone else says, women can be very strong."

"Un, I know that. That's... Not what I was saying." Her misunderstanding was not something I expected. She thought I'd asked because I was bullied..? My classmates had more obvious concerns than my femininity.

"Well, then... Why do you ask?"

Unexpected topics threw my mood off. "Can you just, tell me? Do I have to be a girl?"

"Why wouldn't you want to?" And you know, I'd expected her to ask that. She was a good caretaker, always eager to understand us. But I was hoping for a hint on how to proceed, first.

I tried not to slump defensively. I couldn't know for sure, but she was probably staring at me and trying to find answers in the way I moved. "It's not like girls are bad or anything but... I don't know how to say it... I just don't want to be one!"

I had spoken too loudly, and I'd gone and made such a statement... Nonou spent half an hour telling me to think carefully, and then listing good attributes of women. I suffered in silence, until she finally ran out of words.

"You must be tired," she said finally. I nodded, and left with a bow. I was irritated with myself, and not her: I should have started with someone else.

Wrapped up in my own thoughts, I did not bother with the scuffling noise I heard as I marched to my room. I likely assumed it was some cat someone had snuck in again.

Then, the next morning, Kabuto woke me up early. "Can I play with your hair?" He asked quietly, presumably to let my roommates sleep.

"Do you have to..?" I'd grumbled. The talk with Nonou had left me with a great deal less sleep than I would like, and I had classes today.

"Please?"

My hair had been trimmed yearly, and had grown to my waist. Numerous children had asked to play with it up til now, and I hated it. My hair was coarser in this life, and harder to keep clean. Grubby hands didn't belong there. But... As I said, Kabuto was a clean kid.

With a sigh, I got up and followed him downstairs. I flopped on a couch, and he climbed onto the back of it. Half-asleep, I barely noticed the snip sounds... Until I heard a shriek.

"W-what are you doing?"

I started, and realized how much lighter my head felt. The obvious answer was that Kabuto had cut my hair, but, why would he..??

"Kabuto!" The same person yelled, and I snapped to attention. I'm not sure if I had a suspicion by that point, but I still defended him.

"He's cutting it, right? Does it look stupid?"

"Eh-? You asked him to? But your hair was so pretty!" This voice I easily recognized as Fumiko's.

"What use does a blind person have for beauty?" I retorted. "It's heavy."

It went on like that for a while, and he eventually went back to snipping. By the time the room fell silent, I was almost certain. "You overheard me yesterday, didn't you?" I scolded Kabuto.

"Was that bad?"

"... You should have asked before cutting my hair."

"Sorry, Oniisama."

And, you know... I nearly cried. Such a stupid little thing, something only a child could do so easily. But to be called an older brother, rather than a sister...

A kind child like him absolutely could not be allowed to become part of Anbu ROOT. I swore to myself then that it wouldn't happen.


	4. Chapter 4

_[decoded and transcripted]_

I'll begin this record with a little summary of the events after my unexpected haircut; my classmates commented on my boyish looks, and I replied that I'd been a boy along. It was a shock, but one they were excited to talk about. A couple of guys started a chat with me about annoying mothers and how they only wanted daughters - I let them believe that was my story.

It was that easy to make friends, somehow. As we were in a time of war, the beginning class contained children from age three to age eight. Nearly all of my classmates were boys, and had supposedly been too intimidated by girls to attempt to speak with me before - it probably hadn't helped that I was blind.

Well... There was another factor to my sudden popularity. Fumiko was a couple of years older than me, already seven, and apparently cute. As nice as she was within the orphanage, Fumiko had a jealous streak: she was terribly cold toward those who had parents.

As such, many of our male classmates were desperate for her attention. What hopeless children they were...

"What does Fumiko-chan do for fun?" "What's her favorite flower?" "Can you introduce us?" That's what I had to talk about, day in and day out, unless they were whining about their parents.

As I have said, the details of the manga were fairly clear to me. True graduation would likely involve a teamwork exercise, and I did not want to alienate anyone. Thus, it was well understood by my classmates that Fumiko was close with me because she took pity, and saw me as a younger brother. I would not be mistaken for competition.

That summarizes pretty well how the Academy handled my sudden change... The situation at home was more tumultuous.

Nonou had begun to spend hours in her personal clinic beside the orphanage, healing Konoha shinobi as they came in from missions. The few trustworthy and serious children were allowed to help her - Kabuto, for example.

Because of that, she was not able to stop me from lying to the director. "I thought that I was placed in a co-ed room so that Fumiko-san could assist me. You genuinely believed I was a girl?"

Well, a bluff had worked once.

"W-well, your hair - and, you know, Kagome is a terribly feminine name!" I remember that he sounded very harried, and I suspected he would quit before long.

"Sir, if I were given the chance I would pick a different name. Can I?"

"Eto, well, we can focus on the name later... For now, we should probably move you to a different room."

At which point, of course, I had to speak with Fumiko. I didn't even try to bluff - she had helped me change clothes before.

"I really want to become a guy. Not because girls are bad or anything," I had learned something from my chat with Nonou, "so please lie if anyone asks you about it, please?"

"Lying isn't right," she said at first. And then I pointed out to her how it would look, when everyone else believes me male, if she says that she has seen me naked. Even a seven year old knew to be flustered, and she at least agreed to say "no comment".

Kabuto was certainly willing to lie for me. Over the next few weeks, I overheard numerous cover stories: that as a blind person, I had no understanding of gender to be able to know I'd been mistaken until Kabuto talked with me about it; that I had thought everyone was joking around; that Fumiko had dressed me wrongly for fun; and so on.

Honestly? He was such a blessing. I can't prove it, but it was likely Kabuto that ran interference and prevented Nonou from discovering my trickery until everyone had already accepted it.

"Kagome, can you come to my office after dinner?" she finally asked after several weeks, and I knew that I would be in for it.

She did not attempt to guide me, and I was left wondering if I had gotten the right office even as I sat down. The silence she then maintained didn't help.

"... Nonou-san?"

"The director allowed you to move rooms," she started with, her voice clinical.

At the time, I was working myself into a panic. The Academy had worked out well, too well: it was not too late for her to ruin it. As an adult with a great deal of control over my life, and as a kunoichi, there were a number of things I feared from her.

"I asked him to," I admitted. "I told him that I have always been a boy."

"You lied."

"...Mentally, I think I have always been a boy."

"Your classmates also believe that, it seems."

Talking with her alone felt more like a battle than anything. Though I was on the defense, I tried to mislead in a way that could constitute a metaphorical offense. However, she dodged easily, with excellent focus.

Nonou got me to explain nearly everything with honesty - but for one issue:

"I heard that Kabuto cut your hair," she mentioned.

"He did it well, I'm very grateful."

"Why didn't you ask Fumiko-chan? I understand that the two of you get along well."

"I thought she might still choose a girly style." An improvised answer, but she had allowed it to go unquestioned.

The conversation - interrogation? - seemed endless. Though we both kept neutral tones, the air had been tense. I realized a little late that I should have gone for a more sympathetic approach, acted like a child, but it was too late. My pride compelled me.

"Well, you don't seem remorseful," she finally noted. "I disapprove of the way this matter has been handled, but I will not interfere."

It was.... A surprising conclusion. "... Thank you."

"A lie like this will hurt you more than anyone else," Nonou said. "Don't thank me."

A trite line like that didn't concern me. This was the truth that I could finally live - my past self had wasted decades lying and pretending to be the woman they looked like, feeling terrible all the while. But, I couldn't explain that to Nonou, could I?

I did have a punishment, technically. I had previously been exempt from medical tent duty, but apparently the ability to fool people about my gender meant I was capable of surgery. Nonou asked me in almost daily, and started me on weird exercises that I suspected related to chakra use.

I... Do think that it gave me a greater appreciation for life, assisting Nonou with medical procedures. The shinobi that came through were often desperate cases, unable to make it as far as Konoha hospital. Otherwise, they were the ones whose injuries were too light to be admitted to official places, which were always full of more serious cases.

The lighter cases were more enjoyable, as could be expected. By the time I was seven, I had an excellent bedside manner and good enough chakra control to use the mystical palm technique effectively.

There isn't much else that happened between those years... No, there are two more things I'd like to discuss. As even the patients pointed out, Kagome was a feminine name. I began to go by another name, one that was chosen by Aburame Muta.

  
Muta was Kabuto's age, but that didn't prevent him from being a little asshole. His Aburame... genes, gave him an innate talent at disturbing others.

_[transcriber notes: The speaker seems to whisper, "Do Aburame bleed? Can they?" At this point. This sentence was not encoded.]_

Anyway, Muta joined the beginner class as I was finishing it. I was six, and he was four: despite that, he wasted no time in pestering me. From his very first day, his irksome insects were attempting to land on me and crawl across my skin. He denies it, and Fumiko even told me that I was merely paranoid - but I know better. Even on that first day, I knew when his chakra-eating insects came near me.

Insects terrified me. Without sight, little flying things seemed twenty times more dangerous, and I was not so sensitive to touch that I could be sure if I'd managed to scare one off once it had landed on me.

Every week that he was a part of my class, I became more and more aware of his insects. I could not see them, but... Apparently, nor could anyone else. This strange feeling I had at their presence did increase my ability to dodge them, and I knew it to be more than my imagination.

I don't want to relive the conversation that brought on this realization, but I will give you Muta's summary: "You unintentionally developed a sense for chakra... because you fear insects."

After that, of course, Muta told the teacher and the teacher told Nonou. Sensory abilities were not terribly common, and suddenly I looked less like a liability and more like a resource. Nonou introduced me to some exercises meant to encourage this skill, but ultimately... Muta's methods were more effective.

"How many insects are standing on you?" He would ask at random points of the day. It made me paranoid, and paranoia increased my focus. Muta was also the first of our classmates to demand a spar from me, and I found that I knew where he was, when he would attack. I was bigger and stronger, and his sight barely allowed him a win. He used uneven ground against me.

Fumiko was the next to fight against me. "If anyone deserves to hit you, it's me." She joked, but... She was looking out for my best interests yet again. She needed to know my level for herself before allowing me to participate properly in class.

Muta wasn't finished, though. Two months before my seventh birthday, he invited me over for the weekend.

"Are you joking?"

"It will be an excellent training opportunity. Also, I'm supposed to babysit and you're better with children."

I was, but literally any non-Aburame was better with children than him. Muta's idea of a child-friendly activity for his two year old brother involved sealing him in a cellar with seventeen different types of insect, and challenging him to calm them with his chakra before sorting them to break the seal. His brother managed this task in twenty minutes, but I would spend the next two days trying.

"What's taking him so long?" I heard the little boy complain, five hours in.

"Kagome-kun cannot differentiate the insects visually the way that you did. He must develop a familiarity with their different chakra frequencies in order to sort them appropriately."

What an idiot, right? Differentiating them was the least of my problems. I hadn't told anyone where I was going! Nobody would have known if I had died down there, surrounded in angry insects, underneath an important clan's property...

Muta trumped his own poor skill in childrearing by then abandoning his brother and I to spend time with a neighbor. Though I was sealed inside a room, still struggling not to pass out whenever I shelled out too much chakra on a particular group of bugs, his little brother was knocking at the window.

"Can you make me dinner?" Of course I couldn't. "Do you think Kaachan will be angry if I eat her apples?" She'd better not be. "Can you tell me a joke?" I didn't know any. "A funny story?"

"Will you go to bed if I do?" I asked, exasperated. I had been about to repeat my last answer, before I remembered that I did, in fact, know a funny story. My past self had placed far too much effort into remembering a perfect one.

"Yeah, yeah!"

Little did I know that Muta had returned, ever silently, to listen in.

"Well... There was once a couple with a newborn boy. He was their pride and joy, and they knew that they needed to give him a perfect name... So they consulted a priest.

"The priest looked upon the baby and offered a first suggestion. 'Jugemu,' he said. 'Yes... Jugemu. It's a lovely name which promises the boy boundless life.'

"'Wonderful!' The mother said, 'but do you know any other good names?'

"The priest cast a glance around the room. On the walls around them were paintings containing traditional stories, and he gained inspiration. 'Gokounosurikire.' He declared. Pointing at the appropriate painting, he explained, 'There is a goddess who rarely visits earth - but in twenty billion years' time, her dress will have scraped away that rock which she always lands on. This name will bless your son to live long enough to see that day.'

"The parents were once again impressed, but still looking for more options. So the priest suggested, 'Kaijarisuigyo, so that he will live as many years as there are pebbles in the sea and fish in the water.' Next came Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu, names that blessed the child similarly. Thoroughly enraptured, the parents encouraged him farther-"

It was about there that the little Aburame interrupted to ask when the story would become funny.

"This is the prologue," I told him. "The joke is funnier with this.

"Anyway, the priest's next suggestion was 'kuunerutokoro ni sumutokoro,' whose meaning is... Self-evident. He followed up with 'Yaburakoji no burakoji,' a reference to a plant associated with long lives.

"'Those are all so beautiful!' The father said in awe. 'Have you others?'

"The priest did. He recalled a story from his own childhood, about a faraway country.

"'Was it... Paipo? Paipo... Yes, Paipo, a country ruled by king Shuringan, and Shuringan's queen Gurindai, and Gurindai's children Ponpokopi and Ponpokona. The entire family was incredibly long-lived and fortunate...'"

At this point, the little Aburame let out a weird giggle. I'd never heard a clan kid laugh before, but I'm fairly certain that I labeled it appropriately.

"He recommended a further two names, Choukyuumei and Chousuke, before the new parents were satisfied. And one week later, they held a little party to celebrate their newborn son.

"'Thank you all for attending!' The father said, and the mother stepped up beside him with the child in her arms. 'We are honored that our son, Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi no Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke..." I caught my breath for a moment while listening to the little boy's snorts, "... Could meet you."

All in all, the explanation of his name had still been a rousing success. I rolled along, excited to tell the tale of the time Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke hit his friend on the head, and how he got out of his punishment because the bump had already healed by the time the friend and the parents had said the full name three times. I went on to tell the story of how  
Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke had nearly died because of his name, as well.

Is it childish, that I'm still so proud that I can repeat the full name? I love saying it. In two days I had memorized it, and even after death I can recall it perfectly.

The child didn't want to go to bed even then, but Muta spoke up and forced him to do so. Then, he came back to me.

"I see that you have not unsealed the door yet," he noted.

"What a clever observation," I sneered. "I can't believe you left a two year old alone!"

"I can't believe our parents left a five year old in charge," he replied. I could not argue well against that. "At any rate... It is eleven. Good night, Jugemu-kun. Please do not murder me if you are able to unseal the door overnight."

I didn't. Unseal the door that night or murder him, I mean. But in the following week, I was glad of that. My reputation in school had become that of a 'cool' kid and the rumor he spread about the story of Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke allowed me to tell a great number of people while looking humble about it. Fumiko even 'forced' me to perform it for the entire orphanage, and again in public to raise money.

It was terribly fun, and it was also how I came to be known to nearly everyone as Jugemu.

... Wow, how many times have I said the name on this record now? It's so obvious that I'm stalling, but... you know, I don't care. I'll tell you tomorrow how I came to be part of Anbu ROOT.

For now, Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke!  
JugemujugemugokounosurikirekaijarisuigyonosuigyomatsunraimatsfuuraimatskuunerutokoronisumutokoroyaburakojinoburakojipaipopaipopaiponoshuringanshuringannogurindaigurindainoponpokopiponpokonanochoukyuumeinoCHOUsuke!

Pfft, kukukuha... I really love that name...

_[transcriber note: At no point was that name encoded.]_


	5. Chapter 5

_[transcribed and decoded]_

There are times when I know something emotionally, but cannot accept it logically. Like when I talked about my parents' disgust, from that three year period in which they were part of my life... My gut tells me that they would not ever have been proud of me, but I struggle to accept that as a fact. Even as a baby, I insisted on comparing them to my past self's maternal grandmother. That woman was pleasant enough when drunk with adults, but she was deeply uncomfortable around children. I do remember clearly how it felt to be a child in her presence... And the Shimura family had been even less welcoming.

... I'm doing a terrible job of avoiding the real subject of this entry, though. Whatever. Here's some more background, to remind myself that things happened for a reason.

I had been a ridiculously avid fan in my last life. Reading Wikipedia pages on characters was less like fanfiction research than a hobby, and I had pieced together timelines for several different shows. Though the one I needed now was a little uncertain, I had some faith.

Around his third year at the orphanage, Kabuto was meant to overhear a conversation  between Nonou and my uncle that would set him on a crash course with an eventual identity crisis. As my deadline neared, I realized that I did not have a solid plan.

It is unnecessary to discuss what I did come up with, however. In the end, I did not have much of a choice. I opened the door to my room one day and was knocked down by a flying tackle.

"Kabuto?" I wheezed out. Differentiating chakra signatures was difficult at the time, but he was... Honestly, my most important person. Of course I recognized him.

"You have to run," he told me. "I'll help you, I got you packed."

I might have been vague earlier, but I was opening my door to enter it. I had just come home from another Aburame sleepover, and Kabuto had been inside my bedroom. Packing, apparently.

"Uhh... Why would we run?"

"I can't... I don't want to tell you. Don't let Nonou know that we're going anywhere, I sealed stuff, just let her think we are playing outside..."

Bemused, I obeyed. Kabuto was still a serious child, and I knew that whatever was the matter must be important... To him. Nonetheless I assumed he had exaggerated or misunderstood something. He barely allowed me to change in private before we were off, talking loudly about building a tree fort.

"I need to talk to you when you get back, Shimura." Nonou called after us, and I nodded. Kabuto gasped at about the same time, but recovered quickly.

We walked nonchalantly until there was no longer activity nearby. I remember preparing to ask him questions, just before he finally spoke. "Why did Nonou-san call you Shimura? Doesn't she call you Kagome? Where does-"

"It's my family name," I replied, surprised that he hadn't already known.

"But... Then, that man from earlier..."

"Hm?"

I had still been walking, but he tugged on my sleeve to stop me. "Do you have any relatives left?"

I almost answered truthfully. But like Nonou would, I instead asked, "Why? Did a Shimura come by?"

"Un... He was with this long-haired guy, and Nonou knew them. They asked to talk to her alone-"

Realization was dawning. "You spied on them?"

I heard him shuffle his feet. Whether he was proud or embarrassed, I found myself too horrified to think properly. "Aha... But, anyway... The Shimura man said that he needed a kid for his program to come from the orphanage, and Nonou-san brought you up-"

As awkward as things had been with Nonou, that shook me. I had been prepared to hear that he had offered himself up, that my poor planning had doomed him -and instead...

"-since he already knew you were blind? But, she told him that you're a chakra sensor and okay at iryoninjutsu and with a little focused training, you could really blossom-"

Arrgh. Maybe I shouldn't try and mimic his voice, I'm doing an awful job. He didn't sound bitter, just confused. I'm the bitter one.

This situation had an abstract use: it proved to me that Shimura Kagome should never have been born. If I didn't exist, Nonou would have valued the lives of her 'children' too highly to ever think of sacrificing one. But with my lying ass around? It was an easy decision.

Logically, I still think that Nonou is a good person. Emotionally, I have known that once my great 'lie' began, she no longer saw me as a child in need of protection.

There's some interesting things that my past self once studied, about -

No. No, come on, quit stalling... Ugh. Why is it that this part is so difficult to speak about, anyway? And the parts that should be difficult will likely be easy, knowing me.

ANYWAY. I knew better than to try and run. Once I had confirmed that Kabuto had not interrupted that discussion, I dragged him back to the orphanage, somewhat literally, and locked him in a closet while he argued and asked things like, "Are you really leaving? What kind of program is it? When will you come back? Can I go with?"

"No," I said firmly, to the last question. Then I proceeded to Nonou's office, gently knocking on the doorframe.

"The door is open," she said. "but, close it behind you."

I did so, and then flinched as a wall of chakra began to surround the room.

"I assume Kabuto has already given you a hint... He is rather lucky that he went unnoticed." Because of course Nonou knew. By the way, I sound angry, I still sound angry - but she wasn't. Nonou had her neutral voice out. I just... Can't manage that, even while treating this as a story...

Sorry. To myself? Anyway, she told me about her meeting with Orochimaru and Danzou, about volunteering me for their program. Told me to give away pretty much everything, because nothing would be going with me, and I would be leaving in the early morning.

"I'm not sure if you know, but he's your uncle, so obviously Danzou knows you're really a girl." Was the essence of her next bit. Once again, her tone was nothing like what I just used, I just don't want to treat the words seriously. "He'll be getting information from your instructor at the Academy though, so he'll also know you're a worthless drag king," was basically the next piece. She took on a little fake-ass sympathy at the end to tell me that she genuinely and truly believed I would do well in ROOT.

_[transcriber's note: The record made some strange noises at this point. It is suspected that a piece of the record was erased here.]_

...rry, sorry. So that's what that does?

Alright though, what's next? My reunion with my uncle, probably. It was honestly a letdown; I had entertained a dream in which I would become a chuunin at least before I saw him again so that I could rub my ability to endure in his face.

Instead, we introduced ourselves cordially, chatted lightly - "I'm Shimura Danzou, do you remember me," "Yes, it's been a while hasn't it, o wonderful uncle." "Yes indeed, now are you ready to kiss your sanity goodbye," "yuppers!"

Obviously, it didn't go exactly that way. Orochimaru hadn't come along, at least - that would have made the whole thing even more awkward.

Danzou tested my ability to figure out my location all the way through town, and made three bored attempts to trip me. I proved more capable than the average dog, but did not realize until the last minute that we had gone to the clan district. As easy as that, he brought me to my parents' home.

I wasn't sure what to expect from him. My recollections of ROOT related to Yamato's escape from the organization and Sai's backstory within it; that indicated a likelihood that my happy ass would be paired up with someone for training that I would eventually be asked to kill. But I was blind, and while that in itself made it surprising that he had accepted me as Nonou's tribute, it also meant that partnering me would be difficult.

Someday when I'm bored, I'll review these records and count how often I swear, and then how often I state that I'm blind. This record is for myself, okay? I'm sharing all of this to acknowledge it and allow it to be truth. I already know that I'm blind, and there's no reason not to swear. Children who listen can't possibly understand? Just relax and talk like you're thinking... Come on...

... Danzou surprised me. I knew him to be loyal to the village, jealous of the Third, and obsessed with power. I did not know, one way or another, how he felt about family.

Thus, when he began to share with me the history of the Shimura clan with nostalgia and love in his old voice, I could not be certain if if was a lie. Little truths that were known to me were threaded within the unknown, like that he enjoyed photograph collections.

It was a hobby of his that my past self had been aware of, and had cracked jokes about. A man who loved photography in his personal life, eventually using photos to fool a woman into not recognizing her adoptive son so that she would murder him? Hilarious.

Even though I knew how terrible he was and could be, I also knew that all people have depths and deep contradictions. The part of me that had been a therapist and the part of me that had always, always wanted a family - well, they were loud.

I had wondered time and time again how people like Danzou could inspire such loyalty and belief, and frankly... There are multiple reasons. He is a fairly persuasive and thoughtful man, when his life is not at stake. He likely knew that I wanted family, and perhaps expected that my parents may have spoken of him.

The humble apology he offered for abandoning me was, at least, a recognizable manipulation. He went just a little overboard, invoking a sense of reciprocity - then followed it up with a request.

'I attended that seminar too!' It would've been fun to say. Instead I assured him that I would be only too happy to go through a thorough psych evaluation. For the sake of continuity, I admitted that I had been living as a boy and wished to continue doing so.

I knew that I was giving him the power to use my gender against me, as I said it. He could taunt me with it, or rip the possibility away from me entirely - if he had any previous encounters with people like me, perhaps he would know the pain that grew when I lived in such a lie...

I had no choice but to be honest, when offered the opportunity to present my own angle. He said nothing in the moment, and gave no indication that he cared either way.

Danzou gave me a small amount of time to explore my former home before we relocated to his home, the largest Shimura clan property. We also had a little shrine along the way that he told me about, dedicated to a few kami that could supposedly promise luck.

At his home, I discovered that Nana was still a part of his staff.

"Little lady?" She had said with a gasp. And then, of course, "What's happened to your hair? And my goodness, you've grown so much taller!"

We caught up a little bit, though I watched what I said, and our pleasant chat lead into her agreeably showing me my room.

I was hardly able to sleep. It had been... Four years, at that point? Since I had slept alone. Even Aburame sleepovers were enjoyable by comparison. It goes without saying that I was also frantically trying to understand my situation.

Yamato had been personally trained by Danzou, right? Was that the fate I faced? How did he plan to gain and keep my loyalty? I knew better than to buy into the familial schtick, but I could not understand its purpose. How far would he go to maintain it?

... Would I really be the only one from our orphanage that he took in this year? Was Kabuto really safe?

No matter how I reminded myself that I needed to focus on the psych eval, how I would present myself, I was terribly distracted by my concerns.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains descriptions of child molestation and the psychology behind abuse. I don't know how to phrase warnings, but read at your own discretion.

_[transcribed and decoded]_

There's nothing quite as exciting as a psych eval, right? We're discussing that today, assuming I don't choke up.

Danzou was perfectly kind that first morning, a wonderful host. We managed to play a strategic board game, using uniquely cut pieces- I lost each time, but he praised my memory all the while. From the first touch, I did not forget which piece had what set of abilities.

... At least, according to him. Ugh, what if I was playing like a savage? What if I mixed up every few pieces? It isn't like he would've spoken up. I can tell in hindsight that he was likely using that game as an opportunity to make me feel 'normal', as though I had surpassed my blindness. He was acting like such a 'good cop' kind of interrogator that I should have worked out what purpose the psych evaluator might serve.

The 'office' that my uncle brought me to felt relatively normal. The carpet was tall, enough so to notice through my shoes. He chatted briefly with a receptionist before we proceeded to the psychiatrist's room. I was asked to sit on a medical table... Bed, thing, until the doctor arrived.

He introduced himself as Uma, but I will refer to him as Uma-sensei. I now have a friend called Uma that I do not want to mentally associate with the man I am about to describe.

Uma-sensei had a sing-song way of speaking, and an endlessly cheery tone; I noted both of these things initially, and knew that they were meant to reduce wariness. I still fell for it.

Danzou left me alone with the psychiatrist after our introductions, and his cane taps gradually faded out of my hearing as I began to feel chakra surround me. It was a privacy seal, most likely. It did not initially worry me.

I had decided that the purpose of this evaluation was either to determine if my time at the orphanage had turned me bitter against my remaining relative, or to uncover any person that mattered enough to be used against me. To that effect, I maintained a childish facade through his initial questions about my health, lifestyle, experiences, goals. All the while he made encouraging sounds and I could hear the scratch of his pen against paper. The air kicked on, and the room grew colder.

"Hmm... Your uncle left a note that you may have something you want to discuss with me?"

Trying to look shy, I explained that I felt myself to be a boy but had the body of a girl. I told him all about the way I'd tricked my classmates, with mild remorse and some pride to my voice. I thought I had learned something from the way I alienated Nonou.

"That's interesting, though!" He said brightly, once I had finished. "I have a son your age, and you do remind me a little of him."

"Ah, is that so?" Like a dumbass, I let myself be sidetracked by the possibility of acceptance.

"I've heard of such people before, though I can't say I really understand. Is it due to some physical abnormality?"

And then he was grabbing at the front of my pants. Startled, I grabbed his arms after he had the zipper open. "Don't, what are you-?"

"Wow, you're wearing panties today. You never purchased boy's underwear?"

"You can't touch me there," I blurted out. My mind had still been focused on appearing like I had a child's mind; something he took advantage of.

"Ah, I had forgotten that you're blind. I should have asked first, but I am a competent physician. Please allow me to examine you."  
He didn't wait for any kind of permission. Something bit at my arm - I suspect it was a needle with a paralytic. We struggled, briefly, but he had my pants down soon enough. He talked casually all the while, completely ignoring my protests.

I soon found myself without the energy to move, barely able to understand the comments he made as he performed his 'examination'. I passed out in the midst of it, but I recall fragments in which he compared me to his nonexistent son and... fingered around, like he might find a dick growing out of my vaginal walls.

Ugh. Describing it like that, it really is disturbing. At the same time, though... I was right the other day, it is far more difficult to talk about Nonou's... Betrayal? She hadn't owed me anything in the first place, but it's the best word I have to describe the way that I feel.

Anyway. It didn't take much thinking for that younger me to understand several of the manipulations at work within that interaction. I had understood that ROOT members were deliberately traumatized for Danzou's cause, generally by being forced to kill their closest friend; but why were they willing to kill at his command? Because he had 'saved' them - from the streets, from evil laboratories, and so on. But then there were the ones that were volunteered by someone - people like me or like Aburame Torune, who wouldn't owe him anything.

How was he to save us? Well, first there had to be something to save us from. I can't prove that he set up something exactly like this for anyone else; my gender issues might have inspired him for this path. But, it was performed so smoothly that I suspect they had experience.

Ahh... I'm using a lot of euphemisms. Maybe it still bothers me after all, or maybe I still think someone will someday hear this record and understand.

A little analysis of Uma-sensei's manipulation should be made... He had been careful to speak in a way that his actions seemed normal. The human mind often subconsciously trusts the tone of others to tell it what is typical, safe - and what is not.

The thing about a son. He hoped to use my desire to become male against me here, by offering the comparison. The implication that he likewise touched his son further normalized molestation, and vilified him in a way that I was not prepared for. It was one thing if he hurt me, but for there to be another victim I would never meet and never be able to help...

After I woke up on that same medical table, fully dressed again, Uma-sensei used a gaslighting technique. He asked me how I felt, if I was alright, did this hurt-?

I snapped at him for touching my head, and began flinching away. He suggested that I was confused, and when I still didn't speak, reminded me of where I was. He told me that a panic attack had come upon me while we were speaking, and that I had passed out.

"That's not what happened!" I shouted, dumbstruck that he would even try to lie. At this point, he resumed the tone from before.

"What do you remember? Did you have a nightmare?" And so on. He drew an acknowledgment of those events out of me, but continued to deny that he had molested me.

This was to make me doubt my own mind; if it failed in that task, it could serve as proof to me of his acting skills, to better ensure that I did not tell my uncle anything. He made strange suggestions, asked if I had perhaps been molested at the orphanage and projected that on to him in a moment of panic-

To further cause me self-doubt, of course. I took great offense, and became riled up. He offered to bring my uncle into the room, for my own comfort, but I had the presence of mind to realize how that situation would appear. I would seem angry and unstable, throwing accusations at a man who seemed only kind and soft.

If my uncle were innocent of this setup, he would have easily believed Uma-sensei over my crazy ass.

Instead I forced myself to calm down. To verbally accept the possibility that I had dreamed it up. To continue my evaluation, when he asked for that. I sat up and willed myself not to tense, to just... Pretend that nothing had happened, although it had only just happened.

The human mind hates to lose control. It is a tendency of our brains to rationalize irrational actions that we have made; Uma-sensei manipulated me into acting like nothing strange occurred so that I would have to later rationalize to myself why I had done so. 'To avoid making a scene' sounded like a good reason in the moment, but it does not hold up to the scrutiny of hindsight.

He released me eventually, and spoke briefly with Danzou in front of me. "She is very mature for her age," Uma-sensei said. He deliberately described me in feminine terms. "However, I think she could benefit from regular sessions. Kagome-san seems to have been through a lot."

Did I dare to argue, after I had already begun to play pretend? No.

We went home, and he struck up casual conversation. I'm sure that I was not much to talk with - a thorough understanding of my situation was forming. The hell I'd gotten myself into was not one I had strength enough to escape.

Dinner was cooked and eaten, shopping lists were made. I didn't ask what sort of clothes he would buy me, and he didn't offer such information. Eventually, I went to bed.

I had nightmares. In at least one of them, I thought I could hear him assaulting Kabuto, then Fumiko, and other assorted children... I could cope with what he was doing to me. I knew I could handle it. But had this been a part of what made that other Kabuto lose himself so thoroughly?

Danzou ensured that my new daily schedule contrasted greatly and gave me what I needed to compartmentalize trauma. I might've managed even without his assistance... But he only needed me to break enough so that he could rebuild me.


	7. Chapter 7

_[decoded and transcribed]_

Humans are pretty hilarious, you know? Even in my past life, I found communication to be fascinating. This is a pessimistic perspective, but I enjoy saying that communication is inherently manipulative. Any action we take or sound we make that is intended to be perceived by another person has a purpose to it. Music, dance, speech, writing... The perceiver is always influenced in some way by their interpretation of what has been presented to them.

I could not learn visually, and that presented glaring issues as Danzou began to train me in Shimura clan techniques. Taijutsu was the easiest, as he would use his walking stick to just push me into position. Sealing was where we hit the most bumps...

"The Shimura clan has centuries of sealing traditions... It will be most unfortunate if such a tradition ends with me. However, I find myself at a loss. Sealing techniques are highly visual. Do you know any method by which you might learn them?"

Braille seals didn't sound terribly likely. 'Hey, hold still while I press some bumps into you?' No... Just no. Besides, seals used kanji for a reason: much of the meaning in Japanese sentences would be lost in some half-assed roumaji braille.

By the way, I had a period of low motivation when I began living with Danzou. I handled the stress somewhat poorly, doing the bare minimum in training... But as the bizarre and psychologically exhaustive sessions with Uma-sensei continued, I had a lot of motivation to grow.

On my third or fourth appointment, I managed to get my hands on a syringe full of tranquilizer. With that threat in my hand, he did not attempt anything. I gained hope that I could save myself.

It was at that point that I first began considering... And eventually chose to discuss with Danzou, "How would a visual genjutsu affect me? Would it be possible to learn sealing techniques through false sight?"

A little intake of breath. Not quite a gasp, for that would have been too obviously faked. "An interesting suggestion!" He declared, and I knew instantly that it was one he had already considered. Unlikely to work, then, but the fact he wanted to play along suggested it had a chance. "We would have focused on illusions soon, regardless. Let us see how it goes this evening."

I think he must have left me with a shadow clone most of the time: wasn't he a busy man, always ploticking and plotting evil in the name of Konoha? He always seemed to be home, though.

Illusions weren't very efficient... At least, not at that point. Danzou taught me the basics of escaping illusions, and how to create one. We pretty much mutually decided that auditory and aural genjutsu would be my best chance.

The illusions that he put me under were able to stimulate the portion of my brain meant to translate visual information, and I could certainly detect some kind of change? But, it was nothing like seeing, nothing like in those memories.

"This appears to be a failure," he said regretfully, after two weeks' work.

I shook my head. "Something's missing... I don't know what."

"That was my impression as well. For now, I think your focus is better suited elsewhere."

Ninjutsu also seemed difficult at the time... The mystical healing palm technique is useful in that it can often be used with few or no hand signs. The chakra control exercises had likewise required none... And my awareness of how exactly to form them was abysmal for my age. I had to focus on forming seals properly and more quickly.

Danzou did not grow impatient with me, a fact I found continually surprising. Even when I became more focused and pushed training throughout my free time, my progress felt slow. He was patient, but impossible to truly impress... And I had begun to think that was my only hope. If I improved, if I could just become strong enough, he would finally save me.

I don't want to describe any other session I had with Uma-sensei, but self-defense hadn't been effective for long. I was reaching a breaking point by the time Nana told me my eighth birthday was approaching.

"Do you know what happens in that office?" I finally asked Danzou.

"Hmm?" He did, of course. I already knew that, but I'd started to frantically wonder if I had misunderstood. Should a ninja lie to their 'leader' about what they suffered? Had it been another kind of test all along...

"I... Don't think those sessions are beneficial." I managed to say. "I would rather not see Uma-sensei again."

"Alright." Danzou said. It was that simple. "I would like to know why... If you are willing to discuss it."

I assumed that the truth would only result in more issues. If this all could end peacefully, that was what I wanted most.

"I wouldn't know how to explain it... But... Thank you, uncle. Thank you."

He held to his word; I no longer had appointments with Uma-sensei. But... That left me very confused. What had been the point? Why did I go through that?

... A large part of me had begun to think that Uma-sensei had not been acting on Danzou's orders.

Traumatizing people with murder made sense. I sound crazy saying that, but it did. I was aiming to be a soldier, after all. Sexual abuse, and the associated trauma - how did that help a soldier? How was it useful for a soldier? I can think of at least six meaningful moments where it has worked against me.

The entire test might have been all in my head, young me realized. I might have vastly misunderstood my uncle, and blamed another person's disgusting actions on him because of the suspicious knowledge I had been born with...

The current me once again believes it was all a part of his plan. I want to clarify that I'm only explaining how I came to be a guilty, grateful, self-doubting wreck.

My new attitude was no doubt evident in my work ethic. Which is to say, I fell into another depression. Danzou acted sympathetic initially, but increasingly irritated as the days passed.

"Kagome," he snapped one day, "You want to become a ninja, didn't you? You weren't forced onto this path?" I wasn't, of course. "Answer me." He ordered.

"Yes, Uncle... I'm very sorry." I was under the impression that he brought it up because I was napping during my free time, so I probably sounded sulky.

"Why did you make that choice?"

As I thought it through, I realized that I didn't want to answer verbally. "Why are you yelling at me?" I asked instead.

"Why, you ask. Your ninjutsu lessons should have began two hours ago. Your servant had informed me that you were ill, but you look to be in perfect health to me." He was really committed to the parent act, right? It was so easy to forget that he was a ruthless shinobi bent on an immortal rule of the entire world.

... Gahh. Suddenly I'm imagining him with a Death Note. That could've been fun to watch, but I really shouldn't have said that aloud. The last thing I want is some ninja creating a technique that mimics its powers... How feasible is that, anyway?

Right, the lecture. It was the first time I acted openly defiant toward him in the year or so we had lived together, and he handled it in such a way that my mind doubted itself again.

His mask didn't break all the while that he nagged me. His lines were reminiscent of a god-damn life coach. And then he finished out by being super understanding while pointing out an aspect of my stay that I had not even noticed.

Loneliness. My past self had been so severely neglected that I had hardly realized that I had spent a year with only four people to talk to, none of them peers. Many of my old coping mechanisms had returned, though - I spent long hours having imaginary conversations with Kabuto, Fumiko, Muta, and historical figures. Occasionally I even imagined telling Nonou off, or speaking to my parents... I invented a couple of imaginary people as well.

... I don't need to describe them to myself. I still talk to them. It's a little embarrassing, but whatever gets you by, right?

Anyway! After acknowledging the loneliness I must be feeling, Danzou likewise admitted that he had begun to think I was strong enough to work on a team alongside another person he was training, but my little fits were changing that.

So... Was this someone he would have murder me? That should have been the question on my mind.

At that point, however, that question was overshadowed by guilt. I was disappointing myself, as he pointed out, and failing in my personal goals.

I became a ninja to prove a point, honestly, and because I could not tolerate the idea of spending this life which my past self would have coveted, as a mere civilian. Whatever I knew of the shinobi world, I should have been more cautious.


	8. Chapter 8

_[decoded and transcribed]_

It's kind of funny that I intended to discuss my former partner today, on his birthday. I'll be bringing him a gift in a couple hours, though I'm not sure what to take... Food, probably. He is looking too thin.

There's one thing I need to address first, though: I became a genin a month after my eighth birthday in a personal exam. It was a great deal more extensive than I recalled from that manga: my every skill and weakness was catalogued. Several things I had no knowledge of, like swordsmanship and kunai throwing, appeared. The paper portion was read out loud to me, and included mathematics.

Yeah... Nobody had ever taught me math beyond the basics. I felt miserably inadequate and resigned to failure throughout. Receiving my hitae-ate was a total surprise, for I had no sense of my peers' capabilities.

I was recently allowed to hear the details from that test, and it's still hard to accept that I genuinely did well. Not even in the 'for a blind person' sort of way; I apparently performed excellently at the memory tests, performance, imitation, and so on. My math scores were higher than expected. They graded my sensor abilities lower than I would have anticipated, but otherwise everything looked to have been genin-appropriate.

After giving me my forehead protector, Danzou finally gave me a thorough introduction to ROOT and its rules. He outlined his morals, his hopes, his philosophy...

"Attachments create hatred. Hatred creates war."

I ate it up. My eight year old self was pitifully eager to see how far he could really go, and easily pretended that nothing was amiss when Danzou assigned me a new name and a set of clothing. Male clothing, incidentally. That certainly helped to endear him to me.

"Kinoto, Kinoe. You will have your first team mission in a week's time. Be ready."

Kinoto was my new name, and a reference to a complex ancient calendar system. The people that used it divided some period of time into five phases - wood, fire, metal, earth, and water. A different set than I was accustomed to at that point, certainly. Each element was further divided into a yang and a yin.

Thus, our full squad consisted of ten members. Kinoe, Kinoto, Hinoe, Hinoto, Kanoe, Kanoto, Tsuchinoe, Tsuchinoto, Mizunoe, and Mizunoto. Kinoto represented the yin aspect of wood, and Kinoe the yang.

The ten of them were only united for one mission, though. Eight year old me, then known as Kinoto, had no knowledge of those others.

I was also given a tattoo similar to that given to actual Anbu personnel. I have an impulse to use third person here... Kinoto used third person quite often, as a reminder. That sounds distracting, however.

Kinoe, my partner, was already a chuunin. Technically, I was under his command.

"I'm six months older," Kinoe noted, "but you're quite a bit taller than me. Stop that."

Those were his literal first words to me, said as soon as Danzou was out if earshot.

"Yes sir," I replied. My first impression... He seemed childish. I said so out loud, and he introduced me to a psychotic obstacle course.

From that first day, I no longer received 'alone time' of any sort. The only privacy allowed was in regards to my genitalia - Kinoe was at least kind enough to look away in the showers.

"You are blind, and far too many people have given you leniency because of that," he told me. "If you are not on my level within a year.... I'll kill you."

The current level, or the level he would achieve in a year? He was such a damn training junkie that I should have asked. Incidentally, any moment he spent training was a moment I was also required to train. In just the week leading up to our first mission, I exhausted myself into an unconscious state eleven times.

Danzou's then-recent speech had lingered in my head. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have been much lazier... Instead, I would learn to enjoy the pain.

"Our mission requires us to leave the village. We will have backup within fifteen minutes of our location the entire time, but that is not an excuse to be lax. We leave at dawn."

A drama king and a taskmaster, basically. By that first mission, I knew already that he was a ninjutsu specialist, capable of two elemental changes already, and with ridiculous chakra reserves.

My time with Danzou had greatly increased my strength and chakra, but it had only weakened my sensory abilities. My new little home was much closer to civilization, giving me an opportunity to discover how to increase my range with focused chakra. Rather than a sensory nin though, Kinoe treated me as a medical specialist.

Dawn arrived quickly, by the way. I was far too fatigued to dream throughout most of that year. "Today, you will wear this mask and jacket," he told me as we dressed. "Don't remove either item. If necessary, I will place an illusion over us to alter our appearance. Our mission parameters include reaching our destination fifteen miles north of the village gate without trouble, establishing contact with a certain person, and investigating their loyalties through any available means. I will need to visually confirm the suspect, and as such... You will need this earpiece."

I nodded, accepted it, but was nonetheless irked. I'd only used an earpiece once before that, and it had seriously affected my balance when in use. I did not inform Kinoe of this.

"After investigating, if I determine that their loyalty is insufficient, I will then have jurisdiction over their punishment... Have you killed before?"

"... No, sir."

He gave a little hum. I would eventually realize that he did so whenever he nodded. "Alright. I may ask you to make this your first kill. The circumstances seem optimal."

Optimal for what? There was likely some formula within ROOT for arranging first kills in such a fashion that new members became numb to murder, but I have not been able to confirm it.

We left the house within fifteen minutes, taking to the rooftops. I followed Kinoe, sensing for the faint chakra imprint his feet left. He was terrible inconsiderate toward poor, blind little Kinoto, giving no directions and making no sound. I did distinctly note when we crossed Konoha's sensing barrier; naturally, ROOT has private exits.

The target, suspect, whatever - she was in her late sixties and lived in a house made from candy. I'm not even joking. I wish I had been allowed to chose my own codename on that mission; I would've been Hanseru. "You will be known as Kaito for the duration of this mission," Kinoe had instead ordered.

Our plan took advantage of our age. Kinoe - who assigned himself as Gou, I think - placed an illusion over me so that I looked even younger, even weaker. He told me that my new hair color was red, though that meant little to me.

I would be going in first, alone. Kinoe would hide amongst trees while I began to stagger along the path by our target's house...

_[transcriber's note: a beeping sound began here, ending after five seconds.]_

Wait, is it that time already? Though... I wasn't telling this story at the quality I like, anyway.

Ah... I began telling the tale of my life with such flair. Whatever happened to that? I fear I sound more and more disorganized as I speak.

I hate to admit it, but I've been low on motivation lately... I don't want to say that it is another fit of depression, but this little birthday meeting will be the first time I've left my apartment in about six days. The groceries ran out yesterday... I should have gone shopping then... I hope he doesn't mind if I just give him cash.


	9. Chapter 9

_[decoded and transcribed]_

Names are fascinating. When you hear a new name, your mind has to make a lot of judgments on it, right? 'The name makes the man', you know. I've gone by so many that ultimately I have ascribed clear personality traits to sounds.

Excessive vowel sounds and ya sounds indicated an amount of willfulness. Ka sounds were sharp or harsh, while ga sounds comforted. Sa sounds were often for smooth liars; shi and nn for the shy. Za was for the arrogant, and Ji for the wise...

I'm moving steadily along the fifty-sound chart, but ta is next and I don't have one particular trait for it... Hmm. Chi was a noise that loved that loved the world and thought positively. Tsu belonged to those that could not lie to themselves. Na and such had a great appreciation for the truth. Within ha names were idiotic people, and ba sounds indicated a grudging attitude.

Fu and ra sounds rang of kindness and selflessness, while ma people were naturally flighty. Wa sounds appeared in people that could never be dissatisfied with their own efforts.

Kaito was appropriate for the character we chose. He was stubborn, unwilling to accept help, and angry. I became him so entirely that I nearly ruined the plan's point by dragging my carcass into the brush after collapsing in front of her house. The old lady found me anyway, though, and began throwing questions.

She took haphazard guesses at where Kaito had come from, when he did not answer - that he was a runaway, a ninja, a fool.

"Shut up! Go away! I'm going to nap here!" That was Kaito's set response. Kinoe's file on her indicated a strong weakness for children, and she certainly showed that.

"Absolutely not! You're grievously injured!" For an old lady, she had an iron grip. Once she'd snagged my ankle, I could not kick her loose. I wasn't supposed to try so hard, though.

"My goodness, what happened to your eyes?" She demanded to know. Kinoe's illusion left them looking bruised and swollen closed.

"Nosy old bitch! I don't need your-"

As I was cussing her out, my earphone suddenly activated. "That's her. Stop protesting so much."

The unexpected noise made me nauseous, however... And I vomited. I recall a moment of terrified embarrassment, before the old lady yelped and began tugging at my shirt. "Stop that! Don't touch me!" Out of instinct, I kicked her off of me.

"I was just - there's blood coming out! You need treatment! Now calm the hell down, before I calm you down!"

Despite my mistakes, that phase of the operation was successful. She dragged me kicking and screaming into her candy house, past all of her security seals. Once inside, I faked a set of coughs so dreadful that it was not strange when I appeared to fall unconscious.

She was not a doctor, or a medic, and had little to no knowledge of first aid. It was with a great deal of panic that she tore off my clothes to dump rubbing alcohol on Kaito's 'injuries'.

Within ten minutes, Gou tripped her alarms and sent her swearing out to meet him. As he was another child, clearly looking for Kaito... The old lady allowed him in without much fuss.

Gou - no, Kinoe, at that point - had been unclear about the plan from here. He was meant to do all of the talking, and Kaito was meant to listen. And talk he certainly did...

Without the foreknowledge I was born with, the conversation would have confused me. Gou set to work 'healing' me, speaking with relief that he had found me in time. He spun a story of a family that had ran into trouble while traveling, though Gou left purposeful holes in his tale. He claimed that Kaito had ran off eagerly to prove that he did not need healing... "I'm glad he only made it this far. I nearly lost track of him."

"But where are you going?" She demanded to know. "Do you know where you are? This is a terribly dangerous place for you!"

On and on, the conversation went. There were several aspects of Kinoe's performance that I missed out on, I'm sure: she seemed extraordinarily quick to jump to certain conclusions.

Neither said it outright, but I was able to work it out for myself; she believed us to be the children of Uzumaki survivors, desperately seeking any fragment of our family that we could find. It was well-known that Konoha's founder had married Uzumaki Mito, and Tsunade was his famous descendent: in her, perhaps Kaito and Gou would have placed their hopes.

The game grew more intense. She began to openly disparage the Leaf for their inability to keep promises, and finally... Outright blamed them for the fall of Whirlpool. It was out of her desperation to keep two children from making a grave mistake, but...

I had recognized it for what it must be. I sat up, and she hurried to push me back-

"Do it," The voice in my ear mumbled. And so I grabbed at her with one hand, the other forming a chakra scalpel...

I expected resistance. I expected her to realize something. No, I wanted that. Instead my chakra easily sliced her throat open and her warm blood gushed out, spraying me thoroughly for nearly a minute as her body collapsed on top of me. She had no final words, and no chance for them. She left with hardly a gurgle.

... Left. What sort of halfhearted euphemism is that? She died. I killed her. Her name was Uzumaki Hiromi, and her intention had been to live grumpily on Konoha's outskirts until they allowed her to meet with her niece, a kunoichi in the village. What she might have done after that was moot. What threat could she have really posed?

More importantly, did she actually live in a candy house? I might never know, though Kinoe didn't exactly joke back then.

... Well, there's another piece of trauma for you, though, ahaha... Hiromi-san became the subject of many nightmares after that, and her candy house too. Never again could I properly enjoy sweets. I wish she had lived in a house made from pork, instead. Wait no, that would have been even more disgusting. Something like that would have turned me into a vegan.

It's been a long time since I allowed myself to think of that mission, though. I wonder if someone came along and ate her house after that... I might actually start asking around.

I think I'll end this tape here. I promised to get some sunlight today, and I think I know who to speak with to start that investigation.


	10. Chapter 10

_[decoded and transcribed]_

Though I opened with a discussion of names last time, I am doing so again. This time, rather than the sounds, I am thinking of intent.

The names I received through ROOT meant nothing to me, and I have forgotten many of them.  They were nothing but sounds without meaning. But, not all names are like that.

Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro Ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke  is my favorite name in the world for a variety of reasons. Is it awesome that I can say it so easily? Definitely. Does it have pretty sounds? Absolutely. But that name's greatest value can be learned from its story.

Can you imagine loving a child so much that the blessings from one name were not enough? That silly couple looked onward toward their son's future as the priest spoke to them, treating each suggestion with the reverence they felt for their child. I firmly believe that those parents named their son such because they cherished him more than anything.

Jugemu is a child's story, a comedy, but... Can't you imagine those well-meaning new parents, too? That's the reason that I always tell about his naming before any other story about him.

...I sound like I'm crying, but it's just a cold. I'm not that emotional. My point with that example was merely to say that a name given to you by a loved one will always feel more precious.

That might not relate to today's content, because I really am quite tired. As much as I would love to skip right to my thirteenth year... There's several other emotionally scarring event to discuss first.

I left off with eight year old Kinoto committing his first murder, right? Or rather, eight year old me.

As I was forced to tug my clothes over my bloodied form and rush along home, Kinoe finally admitted that it had been his first mission as a team captain. He at least felt that it had gone well.

Covered in blood and thoroughly disassociated from reality as I was, I probably did not respond. Why had I listened to his command in that moment? Why had I agreed to be a child soldier? My mind is always swirling with questions, and I'm sure those two were present.

Kinoe was proud, though. "I have only witnessed one first kill before, aside from mine. You were far more confident than I would have expected."

I thought she would defend herself. I would have hesitated if I had known she was unwary.

... I'm telling myself that, but it might not be truth. If only to myself, I'll acknowledge it...

But anyway, Kinoe took on the task of completing the vast majority of our kills over the next year. Our missions were nearly always within the village, and included enjoyable activities such as torture, investigation, babysitting, assassination, and recruiting.

I became numb to the pain others faced as soon as Kinoe confirmed them as targets. Even other children suffered at my hands. The duty I refer to as 'babysitting' was actually the one I hated most; watching over special prisoners kept on the verge of death, using iryoninjutsu to keep them that way.

As painful as that might have been for me, I can't imagine that discussing it will prove useful. Instead, let's discuss my ninth birthday present from Danzou, yeah?

"As long as we do not attract attention or cause damage, we are free to do as we please today." Kinoe told me brightly. "I know that it's your birthday, but I would love to see the village."

He saw it all the time, as we ran around it during nearly every mission. As the ever literal Kinoto, I told him such. There was nothing I could do to curb his joy, however. For all that he was sworn to protect Konoha from the shadows, Kinoe knew nothing of it.

His enthusiasm won out. I had many reasons to avoid the public even with a disguise, like that I was, you know, blind. Additionally, I feared happening upon someone I had known.

Life had continued without me, of course. I knew that logically, but preferred to imagine my peers in the same positions as always. We stuck to the market districts, ate at a couple restaurants, and visited an onsen for a while.

I wish I could call it an uneventful day in full honesty. The civilians had been gossiping left and right, and far too many concerning words had reached my discerning ears.

"Not only was he able to escape, but he took his two apprentices with him!"

"Orochimaru? One of the Sannin?!"

Those are the two strangely memorable lines from that day. Additionally, I had stupidly chosen to eat ramen for supper. The stand had room for four, and one person seated in the corner already. Kinoe and I had seated ourselves on the other side, and he helped me to place an order.

"Ah, how far along are you, now?" The cook had said as he served the stranger a third plate. I recall sensing at her chakra system curiously, as the line strongly implied a pregnancy.

"Six months!" She had positively chirped. "Ah, wouldn't you know, he's definitely going to be like his mother! He's always got me craving ramen."

Her chakra system was entirely incomprehensible and held absurdly large reserves. I recall being so startled by that that I barely took note of their conversation - thus this next piece is an approximation that uses Kinoe's recollections.

"He, huh? It's a boy for sure, then?"

"Mm! We already have a couple names picked out for him, too, y'know! I'm really thinking that 'Naruto' is the best choice, but we'll see what fits him best!"

I started choking around the moment she said Naruto, having also recognized her verbal quirk. "You won't live long enough to see what fits him best," I didn't say.

Kinoe pat my back and told me to eat slower. I apologized to the woman for interrupting, but I couldn't resist following up with, "So, Naruto? That's certainly original. Where did you get a name like that?"

And she eagerly told me about Jiraiya's debut novel, the Gutsy Ninja or whatever. Kinoe recognized the title and brought up its author, and the two lightly chatted over my head as I finished up my meal.

There are so many things I wish I could've said to her. "I murdered your aunt," for instance, or, "don't give your guards any days off." How about "Your baby's father's dead student is secretly alive and will attempt to steal the Nine-Tails from you soon"?

We left quietly and continued our day.

I suppose that did tied back into my introduction after all, didn't it? Naruto is one such name, chosen in love... This cold has me thinking nostalgically, but... I really would like to complain.

Twice in a row, I was born to parents that cared very little about me. I mean... What kind of name is Kagome? Almost every meaning I know for it is negative. It has always called to mind that nursery rhyme -

_[transcriber's note: the next part was sung without coding]_

_Kagome, Kagome_  
_Kago no naka no tori wa_  
_Itsu itsu deyaru, yoake no ban ni_  
_Tsuru to kame ga subetta_  
_Ushiro no shoumen dare_

Did they give me this name because I'm blind? Because it can literally refer to blinded eyes, or because my disability cursed me to live dependent on others, within a metaphorical cage? That name feels like a curse.

At my worst moments, I would sing it to myself throughout my childhood, envisioning the rumors I'd heard behind the song's meaning someday occurring to me like it is some kind of prophecy.

But I just... I can't accept Jugemu, either. The love behind it was for that child, not for me. I can't accept it. Perhaps when I was seven, back when I did feel cared for...

You know, I'm tired of names. I'm tired of forcing them to fit. Why can't one just feel right, for once? Like his does for him...


	11. Chapter 11

_[decoded and transcribed]_

Ah, the smell of teenage angst in the morning. Seriously, I didn't even have a fever during my last entry. What was that?

My meeting with Kushina was understandably regrettable; it could have been a crucial moment if I had been willing to take advantage... But if I wasn't on a time constraint, I would retape that.

For today's piece: that pattern I described within my missions slowly altered around when I turned nine. The recruitment missions I mentioned became more common.

That's another vague term, isn't it? It sounds like I was asked to hand out pamphlets and encourage the youths of tomorrow to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the village. That was Danzou's personal duty; Kinoe and I simply spied on candidates and and used disguises to speak with them personally, testing their reactions.

Danzou preferred genius toddlers from the clans, but older children were still considered as candidates. Orphans on the streets and in other awful living circumstances were far more likely to actually be recruited. They were far easier prey, with few associated risks. Many of them were also mildly feral and sometimes difficult to approach, though.

Finally, a month after my ninth birthday, we were sent to the orphanage I once called home on a recruitment assignment. I say finally, because I had expected to do so from the moment I learned about these types of missions.

Within the first hour of our observation, I quickly learned that Nonou had been disappearing for weeks at a time for nearly two years, but she had now been missing a month. The other staff had begun to think her dead.

Kabuto, likewise, was not present. I spread my  chakra throughout the grounds in the hopes that I had just missed him, but to no avail.

"What are you doing?" Kinoe had hissed when he noticed.

"I grew up here," I admitted to him. "There's someone I've wondered about, but I can't sense him."

He gave that little hum, likely accompanied by an understanding nod. By then, we had been partnered for two years. He was still my superior, and though I was soon to test for chunin status, it was my responsibility to be honest with him.

"Perhaps his chakra signature has changed: Two years have passed."

Too many of them had still been familiar, unchanged by time or memory. I easily dismissed that possibility. Instead, I frantically wondered if he had been forced into ROOT despite my existence.

I spoke already about Kabuto's importance to me. He was the first to accept me, and the first person who made an effort to understand me. Besides that, he was an adorably tiny nerd when I last knew him.

Kinoe and I had become rather attached. We both knew that Danzou would view our friendship as a liability... And on that particular mission, it was. He allowed me to focus on finding Kabuto rather than on the target.

"Your familiarity with these children may create a new avenue for investigation," he said; a poor excuse. "Seek out anyone that you know to be observant."

"Yes, sir."

I introduced myself to the orphans playing outside as Yato, and Kinoe as Tadashi. With an illusion to back me up, I faked the power of sight. "Ah, its been years since I could come up here! Is that Fumiko still around? What about that green-haired girl?"

An excuse like that was easily accepted. We had deliberately chosen the forms of children that had once come with their foster parents to donate food and clothing, and Yato had been known to me.

"Ah, you probably don't want to talk to see Fumicchi. Ever since she gave up on being a ninja, she's been going crazy!" Someone laughed.

That intrigued me, of course. The Fumiko of my memories had been very friendly at home, and wildly popular. She should be eleven and graduated, also. I wanted to know why she had changed her mind about her career path. More than any of that, I trusted her to know something about Kabuto.

The green-haired girl, Anren, was our target. I have no distinctive memories of her aside from this mission, though I know that she was brought into ROOT soon after this mission. Tadashi and I both approached her initially, using feelings she had once held for Tadashi to encourage some bragging about her progress. At some point I slipped off, noting that Fumiko's chakra was nearby.

"Y-yato?" She had easily recognized my disguise. In hindsight, that should have concerned me.

By this point, my ability to detect detailed chakra signatures enabled me to recognize that she was emotional unstable. "Yo," I said with an awkward wave. "Ano... Are you okay?"

Fumiko pulled herself together and greeted me properly, acknowledged that I had not been around here lately, and gave me a tour. In no time at all, she was discussing a new playground that was built with the Third's money, and then...

"Lately we've been enjoying the weather and building tree forts a little farther out. Do you want to see?"

I did not remember her having any sort of feelings for Yato, but she was acting otherwise. I jokingly entertained the idea that she was flirting me up to take me out to the woods and murder me.

As I was merely waiting for a chance to bring Kabuto up, I went along with everything she wanted to do. There were, however, no forts.

Once we were far enough out, she stopped suddenly. "I've been talking and talking," Fumiko said, a hard edge to her apologetic tone. "How selfish of me. Was there anything you wanted to talk about?"

I saw no reason to be subtle, at that point.  "There was someone I'd kind of hoped to see again, a white-haired boy. I think his name was Kabuto?"

"... Are you saying you don't know what happened to him? I could have sworn the whole village knew."

That hit me hard. It sounded like he had died, and I wasn't ready to accept that possibility. "I-I... No, I don't know. What-"

I didn't have the opportunity to ask her for clarification, as she chose that moment to attack. It took me by surprise, and she was able to put me in a choke hold, with a knife at my throat.

"What- why are you doing this?!" I used a panicked voice, squirming around.

"Because Yato died two weeks ago," she snarled.

Paranoid as ever... Of course Fumiko kept with the obituaries. I should have known, honestly.

In that moment, my training took hold. My cover had been blown; there were no witnesses; she held no political importance; and she was not a Konoha ninja.

I used chakra to break out of her grip and planted my feet in her gut. She went down easily; I followed, pinning her face into the dirt. With a little flare of chakra, I called for Kinoe's attention. "So, clever girl, who do you think I am, then?"

Fumiko writhed and spat until she had enough air to rasp, "Are you some toady of Orochimaru's? What, did he turn against you? It's not like he'd come back to us-"

It clicked then. Though I had heard Orochimaru had turned traitor and taken two others with him, I had never really thought about it...

Things had gone so differently in my memories; I needed to know what changed. "Why did Orochimaru take him?"

"W-hat? As if I'd know!"

I didn't allow that as an answer. Kabuto had been my goal; returning to see him living out a full life had been my hope. I went overboard in my quest to receive explanations.

Remembering her exact phrasing would be annoying, but in summary: Kabuto and Nonou had a fight the month I disappeared, and he began to search for any sign of where I might have gone. That lead him to Orochimaru, who had taken him on as an apprentice. A year and a half later, Orochimaru became a nukenin, and his two apprentices left alongside him willingly.

It's almost enough to make me laugh. The more things change, the more they stay the same... I had saved Kabuto from one demon and he had followed me toward another.

My memories suggest that Orochimaru had been performing numerous illegal experiments in those days, and that he became less and less cautious throughout the Fourth's reign until he was caught. Anko had been his only apprentice, and she had been abandoned by him as he hastily escaped.

I remember that he made contact with Kabuto before that, and had brought him into the Academy so that he could become useful later. Obviously, I had changed things too much.

... As far as interrogating Fumiko. She told me what I needed to hear, that it had all been Kabuto's choice, and then I knocked her out to wait for orders. I spent twenty minutes pretending that Kinoe's choice would be unclear.

"We can't take unnecessary risks. Kill her and destroy the body."

That was... The first time I hesitated to do so. I had rolled through the list and already found that there was no reason to let her go. As long as a person had no political importance, was not a Konoha ninja, and there were no witnesses... It didn't matter who we killed. Seeing that I was unable to act rationally, Kinoe 'handled' it for me.

Fumiko became yet another nightmare, a new unsolvable mystery. Her kindness, her paranoia... I will never understand. If I had been willing to kill herself, he might have allowed me to show myself first. If I had been capable of using seals then, I could have left her alive without trouble... Maybe.

And things grew even worse, as that day brought another major change; Danzou had not been so stupid as to allow me to return to the orphanage unsupervised. Another agent had observed us throughout the mission, and reported back that Kinoe and I were emotionally compromised.

"I allowed you a consistent and dependable partner to ensure that your disability would not become a liability, but I believed the two of you to be above such unprofessional-" blah blah blah. He assigned Kinoe a new, older partner that would take on the name Kinoto.

I don't know why Danzou chose not to eliminate me outright. Perhaps he still saw potential, despite my blatant failures... Or perhaps I was intended to fail in the long-term mission he then assigned me.

"For this mission, you will be known as Shimura Kagome."

That startled me, of course. He wanted it to be known that I was part of his clan? And to use my birth name, as well. But as he continued...

"You will appear before the person known as Shouchiku Nao in the Land of Hot Water and request training. There is a rumor that Nao is perfecting a dangerous weapon; knowing her capabilities as I do, it is distinctly possible that a creation of hers may present a threat to Konoha. Such a thing cannot be allowed to occur; I expect you to investigate these rumors and take whatever actions are necessary to neutralize a threat. This mission may take up to two years, with mandatory regular..."

I endured his longwinded mission review quite nobly, but was not as attentive as I should have been. Afterwards, he placed his signature 'ton' seal upon my tongue, with another strong explanation of its purpose. Danzou's way with words nearly convinced me that the seal was as much for my benefit as for his.

Little did I know that my seal was a tad bit different. Not that it matters any more, as it was removed a few months ago. Obviously. I've been talking all about ROOT, haven't I?


	12. Chapter 12

_[transcribed and decoded]_

The Land of Hot Water is an incredibly beautiful and relaxing paradise, according to the pamphlet Muta read to me today. As renown for its unique and lovely landscapes as for the hot springs that are its namesake, any person fortunate enough to spend time there will surely be blessed with inner peace...

Seriously? Who even writes these things, and how does Muta expect me to confirm or deny that, anyway. The number one thing I noticed about the Land of Hot Water was its humidity. The second, hot springs sometimes have atrocious odors.

My trip towards toward Shouchiku Nao was complicated by a number of things, by the way. I was a blind nine year old genin in a kimono, on my first ever real trip outside of my hometown. I was also doing my best to act like a twelve year old civilian girl.

It helped in some ways that I was tall, and carried a great sense of maturity around with me. Undisguised, I had already been mistaken for a teenager on multiple occasions. Though, perhaps my height was less useful when it caused me clumsiness.

Also, this is a stupid time for it, but I'd rather not attempt this conversion mentally... In my past life, I was five _fuuto_ one tall. There are about two point five centimeters to... But first, five times twelve and one, so sixty-one times two point five... Twelve, one hundred twenty two point five. Oi, are you serious? I know that I was short, but that's... Ah, wait. One hundred fifty two point five, I failed to multiply sixty by point five. It's aggravating when a simple calculation like this is difficult.

The point of that useless calculation was to draw a comparison to my height at the age of nine: 155 centimeters. In only nine years, I had surpassed my twenty-one year old self.

As for how any of that impacted my travel... Danzou had chosen a route for me and found some merchants that I could accompany. None of them were worth remembering; only a day's travel north, some manner of _Romeo-Juriee_ nonsense happened with a merchant's son and a strange teen. Naturally, the newcomer was a bandit, and it was his duty to announce the best moment to attack us. Having no particular reason to reveal myself defensively, I allowed myself and my companions to be captured.

Since the ragtag group of thugs were likewise going to the Land of Hot Water, I opted to free the other merchants and stay myself. I did learn the name of my captors, who formed a family of five. Six, if you include Kaiyomura Tekkami, that idiot merchant's son.

Junji was the group's leader, a strangely refreshing old man that had been an accountant until that year. "Sometimes a day comes that you realize you've made the wrong career choice, and sometimes that day arrives late." Well said, right? "Beating people up is way more fun than those damned numbers."

Yui was likely lying about her name. Nonetheless, she has a voice like silk and a daredevil streak like I've never seen in anyone else. I believe she is one of Junji's relatives, but she has never said something one way or the other.

Next were Junji's first son Haru and Haru's wife Rika, a ridiculously tsundere couple. It's little wonder that Seiichi, their son, is batshit crazy and ever wary of others' words... Haru once put a knife through his hand because Rika implied he was too ugly to get away with cheating. Their intensity is seriously too much.

As for Seiichi, he was the one that appeared to the merchants as a poor injured teen, begging their help and protection. He had apparently flirted up Tekkami for his own amusement only, and was extraordinarily surprised to discover Tekkami's willingness to abandon all that he had ever known. Not unpleasantly so, as it happened. Over the first month I spent in their presence, I witnessed a strangely healthy relationship blossom.

Ah, its worth noting that this was the first time I had witnessed a case of same-gender dating in this world. Even in the manga and anime, there had not been an explicit example. As the reincarnation of a person that regarded their sexuality as an essential part of their self-identification, it was very reassuring.

"We were paid to attack you and told to kill whoever we could, but that just didn't sound fun," Seiichi eventually admitted, by the way.

Despite that, I formed an agreement within my first week so that I could walk freely among them, and they eventually began to have sympathy for me. I became a part of their family activities, for that while... And have happened upon them since. I hope they are doing well.

My time with them was cut short when they lost me at a hot spring just after entering Hot Water. A group of Yugakure nin came around to ask the locals about their security issues, and Junji panicked. I was napping in a hot water pool, but they wasted no time to find me; they were supposedly long gone before they even remembered my existence.

From there, I first met Uma. Unsure of my location or where to find Shouchiku Nao, I lingered in that border town for several days. Unfortunately, it is the most crime-ridden town in Hot Water and it was not long before some hyped-up stranger made an attempt on my life.

I had been passing through an alleyway, and had noticed my attacker's location and hostility. I had likewise observed that the only other chakra signature in the area belonged to a child within one of the buildings. Thus, when the man jumped at me I did not hesitate to grab him and snap his spine over my knee. Bloodless, but agonizing; that was my intention, so that I could continue through town without garnering attention.

As I prepared to destroy the mugger's body, a window creaked open. Through audial cues, I realized that the child had been sitting at a window overlooking the alley all the while.

"Wow, neechan, you really got him. He's not recovering from that," he said, and he sounded impressed. "Hey, can you let me finish him off?"

"Do you know this man," I bothered to ask. I was likely following a mental policy in which witnesses had to be investigated for their value prior to also dying.

"Yeah, I paid him to gather up young girls for human sacrifices," he confessed easily. "I'm a genin now, so it wouldn't look good to do so myself."

A Yugakure genin, one who, as he said, could not afford to let me go free. I checked once again and more thoroughly for further witnesses, and took note of the boy's ridiculously tiny chakra reserves.

"Anyway," he continued, "How old are you, neechan? Are you a missing nin or something?"

"Identify yourself first," I told him.

"Ah, you're right, I'm being rude! I'm Shogawa Uma, twelve years old. My intention is to recruit you as my new sacrifice collector! I guess I should ask though, what are your religious beliefs anyway?"

Ah, there were so many problems with that introduction. Someone three years older than me shouldn't have been addressing me as neechan, and murdering your previous employee should not qualify me for his job, what the fuck. The religious portion I was not immediately suspicious of, though I should have been.

"Hmm. Bring me to a person known as Shouchiku Nao, and I will consider your offer."

Uma was plenty willing. "That crazy bead storyteller? Sure."

My plan was something more along the line of murdering him after I could confirm Shouchiku Nao's identity, though.

He knew of a town she would be in soon, two days farther north, though I could have managed that journey in five hours if he weren't so ridiculously easy to distract. The Land of Hot Water is made up of numerous quaint tourist traps... Despite living there, Uma seemed to fall for each one.

"The Kari festival?!" He practically screeched as we entered the fifth such town. "We have to stay for that! Ah, I've heard so much about it, Hidan's even been to one..."

That name should have meant something to me. It's certainly a rare one. Nowadays, I wonder... The piece that Danzou included in my seal potentially affected my memories. Was it this that left me so apathetic?

"Shogawa-kun, you can surely attend it on your own time. We cannot afford to stop here for the night."

"But we're already here!" A stupid argument, but he was ultimately victorious.

I had not participated in a festival before, and quietly thought it could be a useful experience. My assigned part had been that of a civilian girl from a nice family, so I had been provided with fine clothing. Much of it had gone to dear Yui, but I still had a suitable outfit.

"Ha! We match." He announced as we hit the streets. A coincidence, naturally, but I wasn't about to say that. Uma was not aware of my blindness. "You look really good in red."

Red was apparently a color strongly associated with this festival, which gave praise to a god known as Kari. There was wonderful food and dances... Uma carried me through many of them, teaching me as we went. I have always enjoyed dancing, and I would say that it was easily the best part of the Kari festival.

I had given Uma nothing to go on - not my age, my name, or my background - but he was the irritatingly amicable brand of stupid. "Hey, can I call you Akari?" He asked, midway through our second dance.

'Must you call me anything?' I thought, but didn't say. "Where did you get that from?"

In a shy tone, he answered, "Well, it sounds a bit like red, and a pretty girl should have a pretty name."

Uma thought I was fourteen, so I suppose it wasn't too strange of him to flirt. But as a nine year old that certainly was not looking for a relationship, it was mildly off-putting.

Still, Akari fit the pattern for the character I tried to present to the many strangers we came across. Formal, perhaps a little cold, but with a kindness deeper down. Ladylike.

My impression of Uma in those days... A mildly crazy child, one who Danzou would have appreciated. His strengths certainly weren't obvious, but he showed a great deal of fearlessness, and he was admirably dedicated to his faith. Many times a day, he would stop to perform strange rituals and to say prayers, and it always served to refresh his attitude.

... In hindsight, the judgments I made on his spiritual dedication are terribly amusing.


	13. Chapter 13

_[transcribed and decoded]_

Before the written word, history and culture were passed from generation to generation through oral traditions. As a child that likewise could not read or write, I was always grateful for a good storyteller.

Shouchiku Nao is a strange name, one that I easily recognized as false: it is her stage name. As Uma had mentioned, she was a bit of a wandering bard, renown for her eccentricities.

"There's this cave near Takeno that she's rumored to live in, but I've also heard that she has no home. Shouchiku Nao will definitely be performing in Himura, though!" Uma hastily added, sensing my frustration. He had given this detail the morning we reached Himura: we had spent the previous night on the edge of the legendary Hell Valley. For me, its most hellish attribute had been the nauseating iron scent. We had been forced to stop there because the idiot sprained his ankle and wouldn't allow me to carry him.

Himura was hot, and surprisingly dry. It is farther in the mountains, a two hour run from Takeno and three hours west of Yugakure. It was absurd to me, how eager Uma was to tell me - an unknown and potentially dangerous person - about his village.

Though we had tried to plan our trip to coincide with the start of her performance, a mishap in a tea shop interfered.

"Ah, that's her! Shouchiku Nao! Just look at that outfit," Uma laughed, signaling our arrival.

From what I assumed was a stage, there was a constant and melodic cacophony of tinkling sounds. The crowd oohed and ahhed, and I sensed strange chakra pulses in the air. There were no accompanying words until the end.

"Thank you all for attending," And so on: Shouchiku Nao had a strangely ethereal and soft voice, magnified to project over her crowd. There were at least a hundred and fifty people in her audience, all of whom seemed impressed by the presumable illusion I had missed.

Uma and I hung around as the little theater emptied out. Some other children were waiting too, and I could hear Nao speaking with her fans for quite some time. Uma found this boring, complained, and eventually brought out a little board game to entertain himself with. For all he seemed to enjoy homicide, he was only a child.

Eventually, only a cleanup crew remained. I approached her carefully, my limited knowledge making me wary. At my request, Uma stayed out of earshot.

"Good afternoon,"

"Good afternoon! Did you enjoy the show?"

"Mm, I'm sorry to say that I missed it..."

Her pleasantries were enthusiastic, and we quickly proceeded to introductions. I had barely begun to say, "My name is Shimura Kagome, I-" When she interrupted.

"Ah! Your mother told me about you! You're a few years early, aren't you? Your mother was sixteen already when she came to me."

"O-oh? I... Well, my uncle felt that I was ready," I said, unsuccessfully hiding my surprise.

Danzou had told me of a contract between Shouchiku Nao's clan and the Shimura clan, born of an ancient debt they owed us. In return for some long-forgotten gift, they had agreed to personally train us in the ways of their specific sealing methods. Despite that, I had not realized a possible connection between her and my mother.

"Well, you do have a worldly look about you. Perhaps you are ready! We will see. Now, is that little darling over there with you?"

"Mm... He was my guide."

After a moment's thought... My nine year old self rationalized leaving him alive as a future source of information.

"Well, I need to leave town in the next hour... There's still room in the carriage, so he's welcome to come with, if he'd like!"

Rather than inviting him, I crossed the stands and said, "While I truly appreciate your assistance... It's unlikely that I will have time outside of my training to work for you."

"Training?" He repeated, sounding confused and disappointed. "What, is that what you need Shouchiku for? You could come and train with me, instead!"

The next few lines, I've forgotten... Though I sincerely wished I hadn't. In his quest to convince me to aid him in gathering sacrificial humans, Uma asked me to marry him.

"What."

"Well, I mean, I can't actually marry you unless you convert to Jashinism anyway, but you're pretty and awesome so please at least consider it!"

Jashinism... Jashin... "I'm a nine year old boy, idiot," I said, but my mind was processing. Why was that word familiar?

He sputtered wildly, and I took the opportunity to pick up my belongings.

"T-that was a joke, right?" He called after me, only getting himself together as I loaded my bags into Nao's carriage. If it had been a joke, it might have been my best one; I still find his reaction hilarious. Alas.

Thanks to Uma, my mind was preoccupied and I had few nerves in relation to the beginning of my proper mission. There were, however, things I had to discuss with my new teacher.

"As you have spoken to my mother, I wonder if you are aware of the difficulties I face in learning visually..."

"I know that you're blind," she reassured me. "Oh, I've known for years. I'm so excited! As I said, I wasn't expecting you yet; I have some materials, though. Can you read dot letters?"

Six years after my parents' death, I would finally discover a method to read. Though she claimed my arrival was unanticipated, she easily produced a braille chart. It followed the fifty sounds order horizontally, and I focused on the basics as we proceeded to the next town.

As for what happened from there... I'll need to think on it. There's just so much, and my sense of time grew so poor... For now, good night.


	14. Chapter 14

_[decoded and transcribed]_

 

Can you guess how many candy houses currently stand in Fire Country? Too fucking many. I thought this search would be easy, but candy cottages are apparently the newest and hottest trend for old people without children.

Now, Shouchiku Nao was a terribly unique individual. She's exactly the sort that would love a house made from sweets.

I'm sure I mentioned that dreadful tinkling noise her headdresses make, because I recall gentling my words. The reality is that she wanders around with dozens of lines of beads draping from her headpiece to her knees, constantly clinking against one another, and it drives me absolutely crazy.

Oh, but it was so much worse at first. Though my sensory abilities were developing well, I was often more reliant on sound. Thus, her aggravating hairstyle choice became an obstacle to basic skills. As much reassurance as she gave me in a solid form of braille, Nao took away with that damnable ringing. Seriously.

Many of my days with her blend together in a whirl of new smells and sounds, as we were nearly always on the move. There was some period of time in which I kept a polite facade around her, but she was a persistent old witch.

Ah, literally. There's a good conversation to bring up, from our early days.

"Shouchiku-san, can I ask you something?"

"Well, of course, dearie!"

"I don't mean to imply ingratitude, as I greatly appreciate-"

"Oh, there's no need to be so formal! What'd I do?" She was as casual as ever, laughing like her demonic beads.

"It's nothing like that, I just wanted to ask... when may I begin to learn sealing techniques?"

"Hmm? Well, I suppose you can learn whatever you want when you want."

As usual, she misunderstood me. "More directly, I wondered when you would teach me sealing techniques."

"Ah," She said, just a noise of surprise. Communicating through words has never been her strong suit.

Eventually, I pressed on. "My uncle claimed to have learned sealing techniques from you?" Subtlety is one of my strong suits, but it will never be hers. I wonder what star was on my side, that she finally understood that.

"Oh! That's what you meant by sealing techniques?" That was funny to her, but certainly not to me. "Ah, what a silly boy he is. What I do is not sealing, dear child, but magic."

My mind processed that, and spat out a number of deductions. Danzou had sent me to this batty old fool as a unique form of torture, one whose long term impact I could not anticipate. Or perhaps her madness was yet another test, one I was failing. Could it be that she had used maryoku with some other meaning?

"Magic? As in..."

"Magic, an infinite and unstoppable force, beautiful and terrifying. It has roots in the energies of the living, the dead, and in all dimensions." She spoke grandly, well aware of the absurdity of her own words. "For those who know its rules, no task is impossible."

Thoroughly skeptical, I wondered if I should have taken my chances with the murder cult instead. What a naive little thing I was...

In her quest to convince me of her powers, Shouchiku demanded I make a wish of her. Something I thought impossible, a task that could liven her days.

I was not willing to challenge her, however. My request was something I knew that people of this world could do. "I've heard that the chakra of one's mind can create a space in which your inner self may wander during meditation," I said slowly. "Though I've meditated for years, I can't seem to achieve anything like that-"

"Your wish is to observe your own soul," she interpreted. It was in some ways what I wanted, so I nodded.

"Can magic help me with that?"

"Absolutely! I'll have you a working spell within two weeks, that's a promise! And after that, your own training can begin! Mm, if this works well it may really speed up your training, hee hee hee!"

Indeed, she managed it in a week. A confusing week in which she cancelled all of her shows to focus solely on her spell. In that time, I was given leave in Yugakure. Perhaps I will speak of its peacefulness another time, or never. I did not happen upon anyone familiar there that time, at least.

Even as she sat painting on my neck, Shouchiku chatted away. "You know how to separate yin chakra from yang, right? That will be an essential part to activating and deactivating this spell. The vital glyph here includes changing lines, allowing it to swap between bisei and kisei. I will explain them better to you later, of course, but kisei represents a completion of its purpose, and is activated by directing the yang of your energy mostly... Upwards, in this case, along the mark, with yin directed down. You do not want to unmix the two, as kisei is formed yin-yang-yin-yang-yin-yang..." I'm approximating what she said then with knowledge I have now. In that moment, I understood little. "As yin energy is produced in the mind, the natural state of this glyph will be bisei - blended, but with yin above all..."

"Alright, it's fully applied and prepared. Until I am sure you can do this alone, I will activate it for you." And then, without a real word of warning, she threw me into my own 'soul'.

The thing that had been missing two years ago fell into place. Within my own mind, I opened my eyes and saw. The landscape in there at that time was an endless and wintry desert, with frosted bushes and little else. The imagery was by no means perfect - it was clearly the result of age-old memories, and its finer details remained blurred no matter the effort I placed in focusing. The colors likewise felt like pale imitations...

For all that I'm complaining now, I was ecstatic in that moment. The part of me that had once died relished in that land, so alike their true home. For twenty minutes or so, I searched avidly for the wildlife my memory knew belonged there.

And suddenly, the colors and light were gone again... "How was it? Was it what you wanted?" Shouchiku asked. I could hear the shit-eating grin in her voice; she knew a satisfied customer when she saw one.

"Please, please teach me to activate it on my own," I begged.

Shouchiku was only too happy to do so. According to her later observation, it took me a month to work out a method for directing my yin and yang chakra separately: she noted this in comparison to the six months my mother needed, and described me as a prodigy. I was just born to be a witch, apparently.

My technique feels something like forming magnetic points, attracting yin one way and yang another; before I could develop it, I had to be able to isolate the feel of yang chakra from the feel of yin. The next 'obvious' step was detecting yin and yang in other people, and then detecting the separate yin and yang lines within her spells.

I faintly remember what a cursed tongue seal looked like, in that other dimension's show. It had only five visible lines, though they were big and bold. Shouchiku's spells operated on a similar concept, but were formed with upwards of thousands of infinitesimal lines. Each could be other yin or yang, and held vastly different meanings depending on their direction in relation to one another. She usually organized these tiny lines into boxes of six called hexagrams that held certain meanings together, then grouped the hexagrams into units of four, which either formed rows of two or three to create a larger yin or yang line, respectively. A spell within a spell, probably similar to Danzou's method.

It feels strange to explain this out loud, since it always confounds others. It would better suit to begin with the trigrams, arrangements of yin and yang lines that occur in threes. There are eight possible options: ken, da, shin, ri, kon, gon, kan, and son. I have no idea why they are named as they are, but she drilled into my head the significance of each one, declaring me competent in the first trigram style on my tenth birthday. Their interactions were my next line of study, something that was far more enjoyable than memorization.

Ah, I had failed to mention it. As she did not trust my hand-to-sense coordination with painting the representing lines, she gave me a set of eight stamps which would imprint the trigrams with sealing ink onto whichever surface. She claimed that only insane amounts of practice would enable me to apply a spell without paint or stamps, and taught me so many exercises-

I've gotten very carried away, haven't I. I had intended to focus on my emotional development only... Shouchiku's lessons were deeply inspirational, and the concepts she taught me excite me still.

Though I was initially polite and womanly, extended time spent on the move left me to feel that Shouchiku was the only consistent thing I had left to me. Her endless weirdness and friendliness wore at me, until I broke down. The nightmares I had repressed for so long began to cross into my daily existence and flutter across my mindscape as my cognitive distortions were corrected. To phrase it more simply, I could not handle being honest with myself after so many false rationalizations.

She confronted me eventually. I'd spoken in my sleep, begging Fumiko to forgive me for killing her... Shouchiku demanded the full story, and I could not give it.

"I am literally and physically incapable," I spoke flatly, my tongue thick with the impact my traitorous thoughts had. I wanted so badly to tell her everything and see, once and for all, if she would reject me. Every other test of her boundaries had found nothing.

By that point, I never used polite or humble words, and called her onibaba when I bothered to call her anything.

"Why?" She asked me, her tone desperate.

There was no real response that I could give her, but... I stuck out my tongue and hoped.

"What the... ton..?" Shouchiku grabbed my tongue, pulling it out farther. Though I gagged slightly, I swear I was grateful.

"Your uncle did this?" I'd already managed to bring my tongue to her attention, so I risked a nod. She released me. "I'm removing it. That sort of use is totally unacceptable..."

For all the hope she had given me, this was not a two-week task. But because of that, I began to be honest about what I could. My past life, my gender... I told her everything.

Nowadays I sometimes wonder. What if Shouchiku had simply been performing the manipulations that Danzou did, but on a grander scale? It never occurred to me to doubt her before my seal was removed, I'm certain of it. Even now, I can draw parallels between Shouchiku's actions and those of Nonou, whose betrayal I still have not forgiven.

... I'm tempted to end there, but there's something in particular that I want to begin my next entry with.

So. My honesty caused a number of changes in the way she and I lived, like when she cut my hair for me and purchased new clothes. I spoke with her about Jugemu, and she called me by it only twice... Because I confessed to her one night that it felt wrong, that I didn't deserve such a thoughtful name.

That night, I told her so, so many things... In vague terms and with subtle references, I told her about my parents, Nonou, Kabuto, Uma-sensei, and Kinoe. Many of their names could not be expressed verbally, but that didn't prevent me from leaving her an impression of the impact those people had.

I went to bed shaking, having cried out every tear my body had, and listening to her hum from the other end of the carriage. Despite my tears, I felt truly loved as I fell asleep... And then I woke up. For reasons that are still difficult to understand, I packed my bags and abandoned her while she slept.

I was... Afraid of this acceptance, this hope, I think. I felt as if I had become far too selfish, to put such burdens on a kind old lady. I was not accustomed to being loved. Maybe that's why... But at any rate, I left.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features discussion of childhood sexual abuse and may be upsetting.

_[decoded and transcribed]_

Good morning! I'm finally getting to work again, and it's a good feeling. Humans are not designed to live lying down, seriously. As a trained medic nin myself, I am firmly opposed to the concepts behind hospitals. Pushing the injured to continue training is absolutely the best method of divining which ones are worth saving.

Now that I have delivered unto myself a few words of wisdom, I shall resume my story.

Though I did not acknowledge why I had to leave to myself as I did so, I still felt a need to choose a path that would lock away the weakness in my heart. There was a conveniently located solution well known to me, luckily.

Uma was not a hard man to find. I had been to Yugakure before, of course, and that helped. After months to stew on our interactions, the connections had knit together: Hidan had been a potential Akatsuki member, had believed in a god named Jashin, and had made sacrifices to him. Those sacrifices supposedly granted him immortality, as well as a technique to transform him into a living curse doll.

I had no idea how old any of the Akatsuki members should have been, but Uma had referred to him like a friend or a younger kid. Thus, I entered Yugakure peacefully and greeted some shinobi I had met previously, offering a small sum for directions. "I think his name was Shogawa Uma, and his brother Hidan," I told them.

"Wait, those two menaces? The white-haired ones?" I gambled on 'yes'.

I did not even reach the porch of the Shogawa family apartment before someone began to harass me. "Hey! You're that crossdresser Aniki fell in love with!"

Some people's children, I swear. Would any of the various children I've taught have dared to say that to a stranger? Absolutely not. Though in truth, my first reaction was something more like, 'I'm on a roll!' I had not anticipated that they might literally be brothers, assuming that they were merely of the same faith.

"I have been known to crossdress," I confessed to him, "but I'm afraid I don't know what brother you might mean."

"What? You seduce that many of them?!"

... And that's the first impression Hidan made on me. Despite having a mere six years of life experience, he was already vulgar.

Within ten minutes, I was dangling him by his ankle in his own living room."Ryuuma-nii was afraid of heights for ages and he says he's allergic to dogs but he isn't he just doesn't like them and he went back to the Kari festival you guys went to and was stealing people's cameras from last year so he could have a picture of you, even though he showed up here after you ditched him and he was yelling about you being a trap-" and so on.

"D-don't make up stuff like that! You're just trying to make Akari mad at me instead!" Uma screeched upon arrival. It was fairly typical of him to have such skewed priorities: though a dangerous person appeared on the verge of torturing his brother after destroying the front door, he thought only of his own embarrassment.

"Are you saying this photo does not contain what he claims?" I actually had no idea whether it did or not, but I flashed Uma the photo nonetheless.

Predictably, he sputtered and needed a moment to pull himself together. "Well, um, anyway! It's, nice to see you again, what, uh,  brings you here?"

"Is that job offer still open? Unfortunately, I may require room and board as well."

He agreed in a heartbeat, though Hidan didn't like it. I was vindictively content as I set up barrier trigrams in the space he offered me, a room that had been an office once. The other two shared a room, and left their parents' room be.

"What kind of job even is it? Is that a hooker? Aniki, you're twelve."

"Akari... I should probably ask for a different name to call him, gahh... Anyway, he's going to be helping me with Jashin's requests."

"Wait, seriously? By seducing victims?!"

I listened in for quite some time, unable to sleep without that aggravating chiming sound and the feel of the carriage. Being without it left me to my pulse, the voices, and the shaking trees. While Hidan seemed determined to keep his mind in the gutter, he had one worthwhile point; I was not sure how to gather sacrifices. Jumping people in alleyways certainly wasn't my style, and there would always be that risk of happening upon a better fighter.

The logistics were my primary concern that night, because I dared not think of morals. That part of me was yet again marked unsafe and buried.

The Shogawa apartment was an awkward place to exist. The bathtub had bloodstains on its bloodstains, cracking and peeling with a texture like sheets of dried nori under my feet, and everything smelled of rust; there was a storage unit out back with several poorly hidden carcasses constantly releasing disgusting gases. The lip service Uma paid to his village provided just enough cover to keep the neighbors from asking questions, and I supposed that the brothers were just one accident away from developing infections due to the various fumes. In my time there, I changed that.

It was annoying. To clean their home, I had to navigate around the brothers' arguments regarding Jashinist burial and treatment of sacrifice, and argue fiercely about the one point they did agree on: the importance of allowing sacrifices to decay.

  
"Let's make them a greenhouse, then!" I finally snapped. "Allow them to rot and become fertilizer in a fashion that doesn't beg for interrogation!"

"Yugakure's too pussy to do anything about us," Hidan said, "So that's not something to worry about."

At that, Uma finally reprimanded him. He likewise valued the decaying process, and eventually compromised about using the bodies to develop poison mushrooms. I really couldn't understand what went on in his head, though I would soon gain some insight.

We worked out an unofficial contract that required I bring him one sacrifice a week in return for food and lodging. From the third day, he began to make that kind of joke - "I suppose this is what having a bride is like," when I was foolish enough to cook for them, "Ah, it really would be easy to fall for you - if you were a girl, I mean," and the like. Initially, I remember laughing at him for it. He had spent a total of six days in my company. What a hopeless child.

Eventually, the comments began to get under my skin. In response, I practiced deeper voices and manly speech in the mirror long after they had gone to bed. Perhaps I foolishly hoped for a super-early vocal puberty.

You know... Looking back, that was an absurd chunk of my life. It would not be hard to get lost in the retelling, absorbed back into those strangely peaceful days. I took on a number of tasks around their house like composting bodies, cooking, building a better area to perform sacrifices, cleaning said areas;  and I was always finding new ways to kidnap strangers on my off days.

Those crimes were far more enjoyable than my handling of any stranger in ROOT. Often I would think 'there's nobody forcing me to do this,' 'I don't need to do this,' 'I chose this.' 'I can't blame anyone else'. Indeed, the level of freedom I felt was strange. Uma was certainly nothing like Danzou, incomparable even to Kinoe. I brought him eleven humans, often far older than he preferred, and I did it of my own will. He might argue as he pleased about sacrifice quality, but my work freed up his time for state-sanctioned missions.

Kidnapping for him sometimes felt like some spiritual awakening; there was something to bringing people to their deaths that was calming, in some bullshit way. I didn't dare to say that, as Uma was always dropping hints that I should join his faith. I feared the loss of freedom it might bring me far more than I desired their power.

I stayed with them for the better portion of four months. Then once again, I found myself enjoying my life too much and feeling far too... cherished.

"Yer a man, and I know that," Uma told me one night, drunk as a skunk and with a healthy slur. "But we just work so well! An' from the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew it'd be like this. You can feel it too, right?"

He was thirteen, and the citizens of Yugakure would not look kindly on his habits. Understandably so: alcohol is a pathetic coping tool that could only damage someone so young. I stuck to water.

His head fell onto my lap, a little too gracefully for a true coincidence. "Well, maybe I didn't know it'd be juuuus' like this. I din't know yer such a nag, or 'bout you bein' a guy. 's hard to accept that you're only ten, too! Ser'sly, quit being so tall, ya butt! Wait... where was I?"

"You were making useless flirtations," I reminded him.

"Romantic," Uma argued. "I'm tryin'na be romantic!"

"Ah, right. How could I have mistaken the true depths of your feelings? It isn't as if you intersperse each compliment with a qualifier and an insult, after all."

"Yer makin' those words up," he accused me. "Doesn' matter, though! I can tell by yer tone and that... thing...? Yer lip's doing. You're makin' fun of me."

"A clever deduction."

"Didja eat a dictionary? 'Cause Jashin only knows how else y' could find uses fer dumb words like that."

"If only I could forcefeed you a dictionary," I sighed.

"Pfft... probably wou'l'n be the biggest thing I've had down m' throat."

He said it so casually, but his chakra patterns were not so neutral. That line... Was not a mere dirty joke that a child had learned from eavesdropping.

"Oh?" I didn't want to ask, but I had hoped to be wrong.

Uma pressed his face into my stomach. He still did not know that I couldn't see him, and thought he could hide his pain along with his face. "Yeah, haha... When I was in th' Academy, there was this... teacher. 'S dead now, but he tol' me... 'If you ever wanna pass, yer gonna have to do me some favors...'"

"Fuck," I swore. Not the most elaborate thing, but my own memories were pressing at me. I was not capable of properly phrasing my sympathy.

"Hey, not r'ly though. Just my mouth... He never... Y'know."

Neither of us knew what to say. Eventually, he spoke again. " 'Ve never talked about it before... See? This's what I meant. Yer easy to talk to. I mean... Yeah. I keep sayin' how it'd be nice to marry you... 'm serious about it, you know? Even though you're a guy, 'n after that...  It's stupid... But guys kinda scare me."

"It isn't stupid," I snapped. I had been thinking of my own experiences, all the while he told me his, and may have been speaking to myself more than him.

"... think it'd be different if it was you." Uma murmured. I'm not certain if he had heard me at all. "Maybe I'd like it, if it was you..." He turned a bit, and reached for my face. "... Hey though, wha's wrong? 'm I scaring you off?"

I shook my head jerkily. The room had grown too hot, and he was too close. I did not realize that my actions would contradict as I pushed him off and stepped away.

"Wh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Forget what'ver I said. Are you crying..?"

"Don't touch me," I said, unable to think of anything else.

"Fuck... Fuck. I just..." He took a step toward me, and I took a step back. We were both crying, I think. "I didn't... I won't hurt you, please don't run away, please!"

But in that moment, I saw few other options. My travel pack was sitting ready in the entryway;  I was scheduled to pick someone up the next day. Snatching it up and diving out the door was not difficult, but I did not anticipate his quick attack - the world fell away from my grasp.

When next I woke, I was chained up to a wall in the sacrificial-

_[transcriber's note: an alarm began to ring distantly at this point.]_

... What an awkward place to leave off, but I suppose there's good drama to it. I'm out of time.


	16. Chapter 16

_[decoded and transcribed]_

As I already know where this ends up, perhaps I'll start politically. Many people form their own theories behind human interactions, especially our destructive tendencies. Each person likely has their own opinions about war, specifically. I don't think that war is caused by anything so simple that a two-sentence answer can be found... In my last life, I spent years learning about wars. Even between people with no particular feeling toward each other, it could occur. Often it was about resources, or about pride. Sometimes people were overridden by hubris and decided that they alone were qualified to lead humanity into a brighter future. Arekuzaanda, Hiiteraa, and so many whose names I do not know. How many times had Guriisu, Igirisu, Amerika, Doitsu, and Nihon turned imperialistic, snatching land they felt they deserved? Such selfish thinking seems to me to be the true roots of war.

Now, I believe I left off with the realization that I had been chained up in the room I had created underground for Jashinist ceremonies. It was not a difficult realization - my most recent victim was chained next to me, still breathing, and this was the only room left which smelled so strongly of blood. Unlike the other occupant, my mouth and eyes were uncovered.

I lay awake for some time by myself, pondering what had happened and what was yet to occur. Was this simply the easiest location to keep someone, or would I be sacrificed? The smell was disruptive, and I was vulnerable already. I think I chose to activate the inner peace spell then.

Yes... I'm sure I did, and it was the first time I'd done so since deserting Shouchiku. My mind had changed, drastically so; I fought for breath as sight settled around me, showing me that I now lay on the sea floor.

Within my soul, I was drowning. Faint light filtered through the rough waters, little of it reaching me. I forgot that I could easily leave, for I wanted nothing more than to tame these waters and see my desert restored. I don't know how long I spent struggling with that current and my own lack of oxygen before another chakra signature appeared. Uma's...

He appeared in the water, beginning as a strange patch of seaweed before it coalesced into a human's shape. His chakra I knew well, but his face... It was entirely unfamiliar.  He was saying something, but I certainly could not hear it. He swam with a great deal more ease than I did, approaching until I could understand him.

"Breathe," he was ordering me. It finally occurred to me as strange that he had dared to speak while underwater, and I dared to let myself still. The waters calmed along with me, and I began to take ragged, heavy breaths.

We floated a moment, just frowning at one another, until I released the seal.

"What was that?" He asked me. "An illusion? Why did you look like that?"

"Why am I chained?" I cut through his distraction. A question for a question, just like Nonou taught me.

"O-oh... Right. I, um, panicked. Give me a moment, I'll let you down..."

"You panicked."

"I- you know I'm not good at thinking! I thought maybe if I made you stay until I sobered up, I'd figure out how to make up for it. I can't remember half of what I talked about last night though, I don't even know what I did to upset you so much..."

If it was that way, then... I saw no reason to be honest. "Upset? How drunk were you. I was leaving to fetch your next sacrifice, idiot... You're the one that cried, and it was annoying."

"You cried too," Uma insisted. His hands were prepared to unlock my chains, but he still had not done so. "I wasn't that drunk. I definitely saw tears, and your face was all puffy.. You were still crying when you were unconscious, too. I'd never imagine up something like that."

"Release me already."

"I need to know what I said," Uma persisted.

Stubborn, irritatingly so. I did not want to face my problems, but it was probably for the best that he forced me to confess. My mental state was still so fragile that even his pathetic interrogation bore fruit. I repeated his words to him eventually, as I have here - 'It wouldn't be the biggest thing I've had down my throat,' 'there was this teacher,'...

And ultimately, I realized what he feared from me. He thought that what he'd done had disgusted me in a way that blatant murder could not, that I could not stand to be near someone who had given oral sex to a man. I felt sympathy, no, empathy for him. I may have had a past life's worth of knowledge, including clear wisdom in regards to victims of sexual abuse, but I had still been deeply affected. Even now, it is hard to admit.

For his sake, so that he wouldn't misunderstand... I put myself together and said, "It's almost funny..."

He made a strange noise, and I pressed on. "For you, it was a teacher. For me... A doctor."

"You..."

"Your admission may have called some memories to mind, ones that I did not wish for. I left to have a moment to myself." Possibly a lie; I had not had time to make a plan.

"Oh." He sounded... Hollow. I think he may have been crying through the conversation, but...yet again, it was one of those matters where I did not bother to ask. At long last, he freed me.

As I rubbed my wrists, he offered me something. An ointment, I believe. "Akari... I'm so sorry... I can't believe... Is he dead?" When I only quirked my eyebrow at him, he elaborated. "Is that motherfucking doctor dead?"

"It doesn't matter-"

Uma's voice gained a dangerous edge. "Of course it does! You're still afraid, aren't you? I always forget, but you're only ten. Where is that fucker? I'll-"

"It isn't any of your business." Tears began to gather at some point, against my wishes.

"If you've been suffering like that-"

"Why do you even care?" I lost control of myself once more. "Mind your own damned business."

"Don't say that! To me, you're an important -"

"I'm nothing to you, and you're nothing to me! Your idiotic crush, and all of your other pointless attachments ... I don't want them." Attachments create hatred when they break, and hatred causes war. I believed that, then. "I came to avoid exactly this sort of nonsense, and I've put off my duties long enough."

"Wh- but a minute ago, you-"

"A lot can change in a minute," I replied. And that was certainly true.

Uma followed me through the house, begging me to reconsider. "Where will you go?"

"Back to Shouchiku Nao." I had abandoned my mission for four months. It is still astonishing that my programming allowed for that... Though I suppose attachments seemed a greater evil.

"But-? Why did you leave her in the first place! Didn't you have a reason?"

"Not particularly," I answered. I did not speak again until my bags were packed. "Would you be so kind as to walk me to the village gates?"

And once we were there, I spoke again. "I'll write," I promised, sounding terribly insincere. "For now, sayonara."

"But... Can't you leave tomorrow instead? Please stay and talk! What am I supposed to tell Hidan?"

I didn't really care, though. The brat was his brother, not mine.

Running away is a terrible way to handle your problems; that's what I'd learned from this. Returning to Shouchiku was far more painful than leaving her had been. From a fan of hers in Takeno, I learned that Shouchiku had cancelled many shows and declared me missing. I had to hold onto hope that she would not have written Danzou such, and hurry to her last known location.

There were posters of me, apparently. 'Shouchiku Ken' was the name she'd placed on them, with ken as a possible reference to one of four hexagrams by that name. Her photographs of me included feminine dress only, as I had given her no opportunity to obtain masculine pictures.

... Hmm. It's starting to feel painful, remembering. I'd like to just skip forward a bit, to when we resumed our lives as though I had never left. At least a summary I'd necessary, though.

Shouchiku gasped when she saw me, and rushed to me with such speed that her headdress fell. It clashed and jangled, and had to be brought in for repairs over the next few weeks. She had believed me carried off, not comprehending any reason that I would have run away. I resisted the temptation to allow her that misconception... Her feelings relating to my homecoming discomfited me greatly, and I told her as much. I demanded to resume my training that very day.

Really... What an ungrateful brat I've been.


	17. Chapter 17

_[decoded and transcribed]_

What causes people to become persistent? Really, I want to know. What sort of environment allows such a trait to truly flourish? It's an irritatingly lovable and lovably irritating trait, characterized by displays of strong motivation... From whence does that stem? Pain can be a strong motivator, so does persistence root with struggle?

I can't imagine what Shouchiku must have went through, if that's the case.

"My third favorite fan's ex-fiancé's sister's son told me that you promised a boy in Yugakure that you'd write! So, what do you want me to say?" That's what she woke me with, two weeks after my reappearance.

"What."

"I've already got his address, and my pen's in the ink! Just give me the words."

"... What? Absolutely not. Don't write him."

 'If the worst you can do is run away, I'm no longer afraid to push you!' was the mindset she adopted after my return... and I had assumed her ridiculously pushy before.

Because of that, and her absurd desire to see me face my problems honestly, Uma and I crossed paths again only three weeks after parting.

"I hired that boy as a C-rank guard," Shouchiku cheerfully confessed. "You're just embarrassed, right? If he's a threat, you've got to tell me now~"

Uma was a serial killer - I probably should have said something. "Why are you being so insistent about him in particular?"

"You have other friends?! Ah, don't worry! I'll definitely track them down!"

"Please don't."

"But Kennnnn... I just want you to be happy!"

Oh, also. I discovered at some point that she chose to use ken, the fully yang trigram, to represent me simply because it's masculine. Thoughtful as ever, Shouchiku.

That woman was really the grandmother I'd never asked for. Why would she chose a self-pitying, arrogant, weak-willed child like me to fuss over? I suppose she does enjoy a challenge, but really.

After two days' anticipation, my reunion with Uma was terribly anticlimactic. He seemed not to know what to expect from me, and I felt likewise. His presence had only been comforting when I knew that he believed me to be strong, and then I had gone and cried.

"I'm Shogawa Ryuuma," he introduced himself properly to Shouchiku. "I've seen your magic shows and a couple of your stories. I was amazed by your energy."

"Hmm? Because I'm old as dirt?"

I was not alone in the capability to fluster him, not with Shouchiku around. Though, she could probably ruffle the feathers on moon people. It is just fortunate for all involved that she never invented something like the Reverse Harem technique... Ah, I shouldn't have named that out loud. Someone will try to blame me, one of these days.

You know, though... Perhaps she wasn't as confident as she acted. Shouchiku may have recruited Uma because I was too much of a handful to sort out alone.

At any rate, she probed him fiercely over the first two days, dragging out his opinions and observations and drawing her own conclusions about them.

"He's got a strange sense of empathy, but he's a good enough kid. I don't... Understand your relationship, but I'm definitely showing him your baby photos! Or wait, I guess you're wearing girly clothes in a lot of them, is that too far..?"

"There's no way you've got photos. Don't try to say that my mother sent them, I know she never took any."

"Oh? Well, if you're so sure, then there's no reason not to show him the pictures I don't have, right?"

Ah, fool that I was, I believed my own words. Though I could clearly remember my time as an infant, I slept... A lot. It's only natural that I'd miss things.

Uma confronted me about them soon enough. We had stopped to stretch atop a mountain, far away from the despicable odors that characterize the Land of Hot Water. The pleasant scent of cornflowers wafted around us, instead.

"Hey, so... I don't know how to say this, but you're really a girl, right?"

"No?"

"But, Shouchiku's got pictures of you bathing, and - wait, gah, that sounds awful! As a baby! Bathing as a baby!"

Who was more tongue-tied, me or him? It was my least favorite sort of confrontation.

I nearly always became defensive when the other person brought it up instead, and acted in a way that made the other person feel stupid. People don't want to give you effort or understanding when you make them feel stupid, but this particular sort of pressure... Without a solid lie to fall back on, I couldn't handle it.

"I... Those photos aren't of me."

"The baby in them has your same birthmarks..."

"Wh- I have birthmarks? Wait, that's not the point."

... Maybe it should have been the point, I still don't really know where they are? But that's off topic. At that point, I continued to speak. "I'm a guy. I know you'd love it if I was a girl, but I'm not, and I don't want to be. Look, don't you have more important things to think about, anyway?" I cast my senses about and came up empty. Still, I lowered my voice. "How are you planning to keep collecting while you're with us? Weren't you getting close to the number you need?"

"The next step isn't ready yet, but I don't really want to talk about that right now. Seriously, I'm so confused. What do you have going on down... There?" Uma accompanied this statement with a gesture.

"It isn't any of your business. You'll never need to know." I wanted to reject him firmly with that statement. But like so many other times I've attempted to be stern, I was too vague.

"How am I supposed to address you properly? And I'm having a crisis over here about you, you know! You could have a li'l sympathy!"

"Why should I? I didn't tell you to care. That's your problem."

"Ah, you're all defensive again!"

"You're not exactly the definition of calm, yourself. You were so much more tolerable before you convinced yourself that we're soulmates."

"That's not even what I said! And just look me in the eyes, will you! You're always glaring over my shoulder, like you're ignoring me. You can't run from all of your problems!"

Looking in the right direction is still difficult at the best of times, and I felt especially attacked by the little coincidence he'd tacked on to my record. "I don't run from my problems," I told him, "but-" it shouldn't matter to you, I was going to remind him.

He interrupted with laughter, of all things. "You do so run! You were running from something when you came to Shouchiku in the first place! I could see it on your face."

"Along with our fate as homicidal lovers, I suppose." He was so wrong - I'd been ordered to come here as a punishment for facing my problems, I could have argued - but I couldn't actually correct him. Ad hominem seemed like the next best strategy.

"What do you have against people liking you?!" And there he hit the nail on the head. I remember that I had to stop and acknowledge the truth in his words, but my emotions were not easily sated.

"Why are all of you idiots so desperate for rejection?" I felt at the time that I had likewise struck a great blow. He huffed and stomped back to the cart; a lucky thing, because I had not been willing to be the first to leave. Not when he was already doing so well at building a narrative in which I handled my problems by avoiding them.

... It was only twice, okay? Maybe... Thrice.

I had to follow him back to the cart in the end, and Shouchiku was predictably amused by our fighting. As she had already decided Uma was the more honest of us, she pulled him aside first. I did not bother to listen, simply waiting my turn.

"So, does having a crush on him make you feel unmanly? I can turn him into a girl if you'd like."

That certainly wasn't the problem, and also, ew.

"Ryu-chan would make such a cute girl~"

"No, Shouchiku."

"Hmm... You're no fun today. Well, he said that you said you don't like being liked. What does he mean by that?"

"I don't know."

"Me either... Well, maybe..? No... " she started playing her headdress like an instrument, allowing mr to realize that she had not, in fact, been wearing it. Something I would have been all too aware of and glad for, on any other day. "Is it like, you don't think you deserved to be cared for?"

Well, there _was_ that. "No," I'd answered. "He's probably projecting some problem of his own."

"Hmm... Well, we'll all discuss it together over dinner. I won't let you lose a dear friend over a misunderstanding!"

Looking back... What a nosey old hag she was. Silly drama like that should have been pressed away to make room for training. I'm certainly regretting now that I did so much talking instead.


	18. Chapter 18

_[decoded and transcribed]_

Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke. That... Is not in itself a sentence, but it's a wonderful and wise name.

Kaijarisuigyo became my new focus word, in that time that Uma, Shouchiku and I traveled together. The gravel in the seas and fish in the water... My mental world remained drowned, but life began anew there. Coral began to grow and form reefs, and colorful little fish fluttered and shined. That first time in my oceanic mindscape seemed to have been a nighttime trip, for light reached me far more readily afterward.

"It's an ocean floor, now," I explained to Shouchiku. "How can I regain the desert?"

"Well, I wouldn't know. That place is representative of your mental state, you know?"

Uma had been fiddling with something nearby. "Wait, what're you guys talking about? Is it that illusion thing?"

Shouchiku's chakra lit up with her mood. "Illusion thing? Don't tell me... Have you been in Ken's mind?!"

I had pretty much forgotten about that, honestly. "He has... Though, I'm not sure how." I sent an accusatory look in his general direction.

"Your mind? That's what that's supposed to be? Is that why you looked so weird?"

There had been so much going on that I had not been asking myself vital questions. 'What do I look like' really should have featured at some point. He'd even mentioned it before.

"What's he look like?" Shouchiku asked before I could. She'd reached over table to grab his arm, and was trembling in excitement. Her chakra and beads alike gave away these details.

"W-well. I don't really remember."

"That's fine! You'll just have to have another look-see!"

Uma's method was not something he wanted to demonstrate for Shouchiku, however. After a series of one-sided arguments, she agreed to give us privacy to remake that similar situation.

"Do you even know how you managed it last time?"

"Ahaha... Well... I saw you flopping around and not breathing, and I didn't know what to do. My first thought was to try and hit you? And then I tried like, plugging your nose and... Well, you know -" he meant CPR, but it was awkward to discuss. "-but that didn't work, so I um. Took some of your blood and activated Jashin's circle. I was going to try and use that to force you to breathe somehow, but then I was suddenly in that water..."

Shouchiku did not appear to know of his cult leanings or of the work I had done for him, and we wanted it to stay that way. That explained away his need for privacy, but - "I thought it was a sin to leave a ritual unfinished?"

"... Hidan talks too much. There's rituals to beg forgiveness, and I'll use them afterwards."

"Alright," I said. "Do you know what state your own body will be in during this?"

Allowing a murder-suicide ritual to be conducted on my body while I was in a defenseless meditative state... Perhaps not one of my brightest moments.

The ocean in my mind was very bright that day, with gently moving rays of light washing over my land. The coral had allowed larger pieces of rock to catch on the sand around me, and so the texture beneath my feet was more like gravel than salt. This time, Uma's shape formed from rocks.

"The weather's really nice today," he noted. "I think the water's shallower. There's less pressure."

"Hmm. You might be right..." Even though I had prefered the desert, I did enjoy the ocean sights. Everything felt slowed and cooled, forcefully relaxed... But it was becoming more natural each day. A jellyfish appeared, trailing tentacles that were nearly as long as Uma was tall. "So? What do I look like?"

"Just like last time... You don't have a face, and your skin's changing color. It's pretty cool."

It had been a long time since I'd seen someone's face. Watching Uma's face light up at fish and the waves tug at his silvery hair... I wished we could drag Shouchiku in. She probably had a fascinating face, marked by time and a life of excitement.

Likewise excited to introduce me to her fashion sense, Shouchiku began designing a spell that would give her access to others minds.

It's a little strange how free I was about allowing them into a place like that. At the time, I did not know whether or not damage within that landscape would affect me.

Still, I was not the only ridiculously trusting one. Uma's C-rank could not go on longer than a month, as he had a brother to care for in Yugakure. A couple weeks after he left, Uma sent a letter.

"I'll read it to you!" Shouchiku chirped. As I had little other choice, and expected some amount of decorum, I allowed that.

Uma began well enough, discussing the season and the weather. And then, he wrote something like, "You remember the reason I initially invited you to my faith; whether you are a man or not, my priest has told me that such a thing is allowable. Please consider my offer in the future."

I wonder who helped him to write that letter. He never wrote so formally again. Could it have been his priest?

"Our high priest has asked to meet you even if you remain uninterested in me, and I believe he wishes for you to aid me in the next portion of the ritual you and I have previously discussed. You would receive financial compensation."

... Shouchiku was very suspicious, and very curious. I suppose Uma thought I could read my own mail, but that did not lessen my irritation with him. Nonetheless, I requested a month's time to aid Uma in his bullshit religious matters.

That trip from Yagawa to Yugakure proved surprisingly eventful. Within my first hour of travelling, I felt familiar presences: Kaiyomura Tekkami and his somehow boyfriend, Seiichi.

"Are you two still together? Seriously?" I said as I dropped into their campsite. Predictably, the idiotic couple screamed like babies.

"Oh, stop that, it's just Kagome." Yui scolded. "Speaking of, what's with your hair?"

I had made a larger impression on them than I would have anticipated. Indeed, upon finding me again, the entire family stole my wallet to pay for a banquet in my honor.

"We had heard that you're now apprenticed to a wandering storyteller, and we've been considering that line of work as well." Old man Junji told me. Apparently, the recent shinobi in-fighting was becoming less common, which freed up ninja to patrol for bandits. Their pleasant and easy life had become dangerous, but they still had no desire to return to accounting.

Pfft, you know, I probably should have put more effort into stopping their illegal activities. My sense of morality was so strange, though I suppose it hasn't changed much.

As I did not have an actual deadline to reach Hidan, I let myself waste a couple days with Junji and his family. I'd liked Yui's attitude from the start, her quick wit and mocking solemnity. Out of all of them, she seemed best suited to a life of crime. If I had an older sister, I'd want her to be like Yui.

I taught them Jugemu, causing Tekkami to take diligent notes. As a former merchant's son, he seemed to adore the concept of a travelling bard the most. I also recommended that the family take up instruments, as their initial acapella approach would chase off any potential audience. I've never heard such an unharmonized chorus.

They accompanied me to Yugakure's gates and Rika made me promise to send them letters and money on penalty of death. Truly, they are a family that I could have been happy with.

Yugakure was bustling with tourists, an incredibly strange thing to behold. Children laughed and skipped around, people asked directions from anyone they could get their hands, and even I found myself roped into a tour of some bathhouse that had been frequented by an important lord from fifty years ago. It really didn't feel like a ninja village, so much as a village where people could play at becoming ninja.

Hidan had forced his way to graduation from Yugakure's academy equivalent since I'd met him last. He was now terribly busy with, and horribly frustrated by, D rank missions at boring tourist spots. Typically, he was asked to use the transformation technique to look like an older shinobi in a kabuki stagehand's uniform while helping out at shops near the 'ninja castle' attraction. It is little surprise that he has since became a homicidal maniac.

Shogawa Ryuuma, on the other hand, had been entered for the next 'peace-supporting' chunin exam in Kumogakure. I was considering going with him as a spectator; Konohagakure was certainly not invited, although I understood that a ceasefire had recently been called between us, and it could prove interesting to see potential future foes.

However... that would never come to pass.


	19. Chapter 19

_[decoded and transcribed]_

In my first life, friendship worked very differently. People who enjoyed one another's presence would typically seek each other out, or perhaps one person who needed something from another would butter them up and create an air of camaraderie to take advantage of that other person. My past self had lent money to many friends: housed them, fed them, helped them find work.

I don't know that I would ever have gone into a secret underground sacrificial altar for a friend, and I'm fairly certain I wouldn't have agreed to murder a priest for their sake. Though perhaps I should skip back a moment.

With Hidan too busy on missions to eavesdrop, Uma finally told me the reason behind his ever-frequent kills. "Jashinist legend tells of a technique by which a believer can become truly immortal. Not just during our sacrifice ritual," he quickly added, as I already knew of that aspect of it, "but at any time. The priest has been divining for believers who might be able to, and he says that Hidan or me could. There's a ridiculous amount of karma that we need to build up, but we're almost there."

"You're going to make yourself immortal?"

"Nope, Hidan. He'd do a lot more good for the world with it anyway... Although I've kind of been second guessing myself about that, too. I've got more to live for, nowadays." Uma said, and bumped my shoulder.

Why didn't that statement concern me? Instead, I focused on the wrong piece. "Quit flirting with a ten year old, and did you seriously ask your priest about marrying men? Seriously?"

"I'd wait til you were sixteen!!"

Now, the first stage had involved the deaths of more than two hundred people. My contribution had actually been fairly tiny, with only twenty-one people by the end. Uma insists that youthful people were worth more points, and he has thus argued that my offers had been more like five percent.

The second stage required a special sacrifice - that of a believer who had attained similar karma. It was not the only stage that would require this, however. The high priest had told Uma this with the understanding that Uma should offer himself up for Hidan's sake first and hope that another believer would soon follow.

The Jashinist faith seemed to have some fifteen or so believers when I first came to visit their holy temple, of which five were anointed priests. They were older people, teachers, and had already reached their cosmic quotas to be guaranteed a demonic existence alongside their god in the next life. That's why Uma had invited me. "The High Priest believes that I'm training you to be Hidan's second sacrifice. Really though, I just need your help to capture and imprison two priests."

"It isn't blasphemous to kill his priests..? Do you even know if immortality in human form can be achieved?"

I could remember Hidan's immortality from the anime, and thus asked with curiosity rather than concern.  
   
"Hidan's success will be far greater than what they could offer Jashin. More than anyone and everyone else, he knows his duty."

Brother complexes are as much a part of the shinobi world as the air that we breathe, I swear. But rather than argue any further, we began to make plans. Because of the potential for one priest to escape before we were ready for the second believer's sacrifice, Uma emphasized on preventing any of them from recognizing us. If they escaped knowing that they had been targeted as priests for sacrifice, there would only be so many suspects... He preferred allowing them to escape over having to kill them before the correct time, as he could simply recapture them later.

Shouchiku had acknowledged his strange empathy. It was useful in a ninja, of course, and I was not very different. But then again, I had been the product of violent surroundings and Uma had never really been forced to kill. The slightest permission had been enough... And he had clearly taken his High Priest's words about Hidan's potential as permission to treat their entire religious order as cattle.

"He'll be telling you the introductory tales tonight, so make sure you get a good look around. You're a sensor, right? Let me know afterwards if there's weird security stuff."

We left Yugakure through a passageway Uma claimed had existed far longer than the village, and traveled southward.

Geopositioning near Yugakure is fairly easy - There's a deposit of chakra-conductive metals along its eastern side, though it is apparently too difficult to make it weapon-grade. I was very sure that despite Uma's ridiculously confusing route I could easily find the chapel's location again.

It had seal wards, surprisingly unfamiliar ones. Rather than kanji, they seemed to use geometric patterns without any words. My ability to detect chakra in detail made me quite sure as we crossed them that there were no irregular shapes characteristic of written words.

It was yet again a case of 'how have these people not been caught'. The temple and its surroundings absolutely stank of blood. "Ugh, tourists," Uma mumbled. I assume he referred to either trash or corpses laying around the entry hall, as I sensed no one living, but I certainly was not about to ask.

The priests were cloistered downstairs, in a room that smelled of incense in addition to iron. They greeted me with seriousness but little respect or humility, which was unsurprising; Uma had been using the xenophobia of their religion as an excuse for Hidan's speech patterns as well.

Jashinist world concepts are certainly interesting. Their lord Jashin is something like a Buddhist god, and he requests that his followers kill because of an anticipated future in which the balance between humanity and nature are affected by a drastic population increase. Uma's personal take is that it thus means more to kill a young person who has not yet had children, than a parent or grandparent who has already increased the population. In theory, sacrifices should be made without judgement or bias... Their only motivations should be doing his bidding by reducing the human population, and reaching Jashin's hell through correct karmic imbalance. Sacrifice should not occur merely for pleasure... Hidan, I'm thinking at you.

It's no wonder they have trouble with recruitment, as murder and suicide are regular activities. Many new believers come to learn the sacrifice ritual and become too scared to use it, or else do it improperly and kill themselves.

The high priest had no faith in my abilities from the beginning. Though he spoke to Uma like family, he spoke to me like dirt. At least he didn't bring up the marriage proposal...

I listened to him well as he spoke of Jashin's words. Ignoring his condescending manner, he was a good orator who seemed to strongly believe his own words.

Together, the three of us then journeyed deeper into the chapel. Uma told me as we passed about the bodies near us, why their bones were still on display. He was proud to tell me of the originator of the Jashinist faith, Chinoike Minoru, who had been born with strange abilities which theoretically gave him the ability to communicate with gods.

"And here he is," Uma chirped as we finally reached our destination. I had taken note as we moved that most of the temple's other priests seemed to be down here. There was one whose chakra seemed strangely dampened, and I realized now that it was a person kept in a state of near death by stabilization seals. "He's the secret behind our ultimate sacrifice technique!"

As Uma had just finished telling me that Chinoike Minoru was born a hundred and thirty years ago, I had to ask. "How is he still alive?"

"That is the question." A priest murmured. "He wakes one day a year, and remains like this otherwise. Minoru-san's mind is currently with Jashin-sama, learning from him."

And without even asking my permission to be the recipient of such a disclosure, they told me the secret of what makes Jashinists capable of their techniques. Am I going to describe it here and now? Ha.

It only occurred to me as I examined that strange body that I was not likely to survive Uma's plan... Certainly not as I was. Even in my Anbu ROOT days I had relied on the foolishness of others to get in close and make my kills. Likewise, kidnapping had been simple so long as I knew how to put people at ease.

"I sensed wards," I told Uma, "but they're nothing like anything I've dealt with before. I would need to have a much better grasp on their functioning before I would even consider breaking in."

"You can't just overwhelm them?" He suggested, trying to sound like he had a clue what he was talking about.

"I'm not a tailed beast," I deadpanned. "And that would be terribly unsubtle. Look, I know you wanted to rush this, but unless you have a very good reason, I'm suggesting we take the next year to prepare: to properly prepare."

For a moment, he seemed to be on the verge of arguing. Then Uma's entire body loosened up, muscles relaxing. "Okay," he said, his tone strangely grateful. "A year? That should be fine."

"I'm not sure that I understand Jashinism," I said delicately, "but it hasn't particularly appealed to me, so although I do need to spend more time around the wards I do not want to begin rituals. Can we make that work?"

We could. Uma was disappointed, of course, as he believed his faith would have been highly advantageous for me... But there was no truer believer of an honest faith than one that had once been a skeptic.

We agreed that I would visit monthly, and then I departed for Himura where I was to have my debut showing of Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke's humorous tale.

Unfortunately, it was poorly received. You can't please them all, I suppose, and I had stuttered a bit. Shouchiku would soon force me to pick up better showhandling skills, among other things.

You know, I still think the whole thing was a little absurd. Jashinism had strangely reminded me of Christianity, despite its obviously Buddhist foundation. Perhaps that is mostly due to Minoru, though... If only I could rant about that, I would speak for days.


	20. Chapter 20

_[transcribed and decoded]_

It's a fine morning to wonder how detailed I want to be with the rest of this tale... There's not many important moments left until I returned to Konoha, where I intend to cease these recordings.

At any rate, the time in which I can focus on topics other than Shouchiku Nao has passed.

"Today we will focus on the many circumstantial reactions that can be produced between kan and ri! I'd also like to work koto practice back into our schedule, and spend our breaks discussing what Ryuuma-kun meant!" His letter and my leave were not easily forgotten, apparently.

"I'd rather not."

"Let's reserve a hot spring for the night and relax properly~ while we're at it, you can tell me about Ryuuma-kun's religion!"

"I really feel that it would be detrimental to my mental state."

Shouchiku already knew many of my worst nightmares, but never allowed me to use them as an excuse. Her general mentality was, "You have a choice in the here and now about how you want to feel! And so do I, and I don't feel like letting you stew in your eleven year old angst, haha!"

Of the many ways to process trauma, she strongly recommended jokes. It was not a path I had unironically used within this lifetime before meeting her.

"Arguably, I'm thirty-two," I once responded to her motto.

"Arguably, I'm forty-two billion years old." And after blowing a raspberry, she said, "So there!"

I had begun to prioritize looking cool over feeling productive, and allowed myself to delve too far into a repetitively negative pool of thought. Shouchiku was merciless in her efforts to eliminate self-pity and blame, saying things like, "Things are as they are. Denial won't change that, but time and action will!"

I could fill a thousand fortune cookies with her wisdom. First and foremost, "Farting when you're awake prevents farting in your sleep!"

Truly, she is enlightened.

As I likely mentioned before, she had a preoccupation with understanding me. If Shouchiku had any idea that I was producing audio clips about myself, she would absolutely steal them...

That preoccupation naturally lead her to develop a back route into my mindscape. On first sight, I realized I had been far more fortunate than her average roadie. Those beads whose raucous choir irked me so? They  were also reflective as fuck. And when the lights were dimmed, you could finally see their hypnotizing patterns.

Shouchiku pinned the god-awful gold-painted headdress onto a high bun every morning, and from it the beads draped behind her like a cape. A nauseating and overwhelming cape... She also wore a ballooning pantsuit in pink and orange, with a blue-green haori tied over it.

Just, ugh. I'm going to move past her hopeless fashion choices to discuss the discovery she made within my mindscape.

"There's something changing the water's flow over there," Shouchiku told me. I had not noticed she was in my head until she spoke, a troubling occurrence. The water had muted her beads, and I had been busy with an argument some eels were having. "Is it something invisible? How exciting!"

At first examination, this invisible item seemed to be a strange ladder. It had no sides, however, and we discovered that the lowest two 'rungs' had no middle portion. They did not float, so much as they seemed to operate on a totally different concept of gravity. Though nothing held them in position, they were entirely unmovable.

"How many rungs are there?" Shouchiku demanded to know. As she expected, there were six. Rather than a ladder to nowhere, it was my mind's representation of the seal Danzou had placed on my tongue.

"This is perfect!" Shouchiku shrieked. "It's been so difficult to analyze the trigrams within that 'ton', I've been pulling your tongue out while you're unconscious but the inner lines are just so tiny! Ah, with this I'll have so much easier a time! Oh, let's start today. You know how to talk on the outside while you're on the inside, right? Starting from the bottommost left, moving upward and then to the right, list off every trigram on this large yin line... Wait a minute so that I'll have my notebook ready... Ah, finally a break!"

The thorough analysis took five weeks, despite her best hopes. Although the 'ton' lines were as long as my armspan within my mind, each yang line to it was made up of six rows of kan trigrams in eighteen columns. The two yin lines that we began with were marginally better, containing thirty-three percent less matter. Within each kan's yang lines were a row of three hexagrams, which I was ordered to interpret by trigram. There was no consistency to those.

Shouchiku did the math on how many trigrams were ultimately present... The short answer is 'too fucking many'.

Oh, also. On the level that seemed to be made up only of kan trigrams? There were seven randomly placed exceptions. Seven out of... Five and one third times six times eighteen. It was not easy to catch them. In total, I was told that Danzou had placed more than ten thousand lines into this 'ton' hexagram, with more than three thousand trigrams. In order to engineer a removal method for his seal that would cause no damage, Shouchiku had to first perfectly recreate it.

"Crazy old coot probably made this once and is just using a copy each time. He might have imprinted its design into his mind, if it can place it at will..? How did he place it on you?"

I had been asleep for the tattooing, so I did not know how long it took. Ten thousand lines, though... That seemed utterly ridiculous.

"The average written character has so and so many strokes, times eight hundred or so characters per page, so it's actually not all that much if you think about it," she said, though not in those exact words. She estimated that it was four full pages of writing, and I felt keenly my illiteracy.

Do you know how many braille characters fit on a page? How many braille characters it takes to make a word? It's exhausting to read for fun because I'm always turning pages and the books are just so thick.

"Shouchiku, do you know of a warding method using shapes but not words?"

"No?" She said, predictably. "But, why?"

I would like to pick up other sealing methods as well..."

"This is magic, not sealing... but I'll ask around!"

"... Please do so carefully." I gave myself away, just a little. Shouchiku thus assumed that I had a specific purpose and began to pester me about that.

I resumed physical training and worked particularly on speed. Getting in close was still an essential part of my fighting technique, although I made some attempts to learn a long-distance method. I could rarely tell if I had hit my target, and that was a difficult complication to overcome.

Uma's chunin exam was cancelled after a new political scandal changed Yugakure's attitude towards Kumogakure. I tried to leave a video off with an ominous emotion about that, but it was fairly unsurprising information. Yugakure instead held a private exam with the first test featuring some attraction-building contest. It was stupid, and I did attend regardless. Uma lost in that round because the task requested of him required far more chakra than he could manage.

Instead, it was Hidan who made it all the way to the fighting exhibition, and Hidan that was disqualified for savaging a fellow Yugakure ninja as he won that exhibition. Already he was a vicious little thing. This had the unfortunate affect of causing their village to scrutinize their actions more closely.

Disappointed in himself and just a little jealous of his brother, Uma would often choose to travel with Shouchiku and I rather than spend time at home.

"Hidan's birthday was last month... Have you even seen him since then?"

"He's easily at chunin strength, and its not like he can't do his own laundry," Uma weakly joked. "It's not like he gets lonely."

Everyone gets lonely, and especially eight year old boys without parents. In an alarmingly short span of time, Hidan's teasing admiration for his brother transformed into bitterness. On a day that I came to Yugakure to make plans, I tried to speak with Hidan about it.

"You haven't said a word to Uma today. Immature much?"

"Don't fucking talk to me," he snarled. "It's your fucking fault."

I wouldn't have described myself as a stickler for social mores, not at that point... But there is something about a child's disrespect that really gets under my skin and I think that it began with Hidan.

"You know I'm three years older than you? You can't talk to me like this!" I snapped. "And it isn't my fault that your idiot brother's having a crisis, stop being such a child and go talk with him! He isn't abandoning you for me or whatever you're thinking!"

"Then why won't he come home?!?"

"The only person who knows the answer to that question is Uma - so go ask him!"

The communication difficulties in ninja families, I swear. Somehow Hidan started crying and whining and missing his parents, and just, ugh. I wasn't a counselor any more and children are gross. Despite that, I somehow was coerced into talking to Uma for him.

The Shogawa brothers seemed more like annoyances than important people, although I went to stupid lengths to keep them happy. After finally meeting Hidan, Shouchiku Nao literally asked me, "Can we keep him?"

Danzou agreed to an extension on this 'mission' at her request, which served additionally as a reminder that training was not meant to be my only goal here. Though... The concept of Shouchiku Nao posing a threat to Konohagakure is pretty hilarious. A secret weapon? It is more probable that he hoped I would just kill her so that he could have one fewer rival in the use of trigrams.

It's a bit sad how she acted like the three of us would always be part of her daily life. I've never deserved a grandmotherly figure like Shouchiku.


	21. Chapter 21

_[decoded and transcribed]_

The day inevitably came for Uma and I to enact our evil plan. It was coincidentally close to my twelfth birthday, and came soon after Hidan hit his hundredth kill. We celebrated that like the lunatics we were, by blowing up Takeno's ninja castle at midnight. Perhaps I shouldn't confess that out loud.

Both boys would soon participate in another chunin exam, this one including ninja from Grass and other small villages. Oh, also. I suppose this will be relevant. Two weeks before our decided day, I pulled Hidan aside.

"We're capturing a priest to sacrifice so that you can gain immortality. Uma would rather you not know-"

"That dumbass! When is he gonna do it?"

"... The timing is what matters to you?"

As it happened, the High Priest had recently told Hidan of his own potential and recommended that Hidan sacrifice Uma. Reaching a similar conclusion to his older brother, he was planning a kidnapping instead. Unlike his brother, he assumed they would both seek immortality independently.

"Well, I'm glad you all communicate so well," I grumbled, and went after Uma. Thus, Hidan became one of the players in our grand plot.

After months of nonsensical answers, Shouchiku had found me someone that genuinely seemed to recognize the seal matrix around the Jashinist temple. It was a bitch and a half to get Daiki close enough without getting him killed, but the analysis he'd provided was very valuable. It was not a security measure at all: its purpose was to stabilize select targets within the grounds.

Chinoike Minoru was not the only member of his family interred there, though the others were so near to death that I could not sense them without touching them. To alter the seal or damage it would likely prevent new Jashinists from ever being created.

This was too much for Hidan to hear, though. Although Daiki had no concept of what that seal held in stasis, he was still killed. I was left to find a way to tell Shouchiku, and she easily saw through my bullshit lie about bandits.

Aren't there any genuinely lethal bandits in the world? It's frustrating.

Moving along, though. With three of us armed with knowledge and improved strength, we agreed on a simple plan. None of the priests appeared to be sensors, and they rarely left the church. Typically, the followers would bring them meals and fabrics so that they could spend their days in homicidal contemplation.

The first stage of our plan isolated the church by creating subtle problems for the other eight believers which kept them from making deliveries for several weeks. Things like broken carriages, fire damage to their homes, inexplicable illnesses... Hidan and Uma faked such trouble at their own home as well.  With no reason to think anything serious of it, two priests were dispatched two days earlier than we expected toward Hibana. It was a place that held a single market surrounded by five moderately sized farms, whose families had some sort of deal established for the betterment of all: it could not really be considered a town.

We were very fortunate that they chose Hibana. It was a little out of the way, and at a reasonable pace would offer us a three hour window of opportunity. I had been staying with Uma and Hidan already, and had set out alarm trigrams across most major paths; despite that, we were not aware that anyone had left the temple until they reached Hibana.

"So much for your superior sensory techniques," Hidan scoffed at me as we ran.

Out of the three of us, he was the one with the least air to waste. I replied, "I don't have any time to give you attention right now, please stay quiet."

  
He sputtered, though possibly out of exhaustion, and said nothing more. Thank goodness for that: although I had come far in my ability to navigate, I still had difficulty detecting obstacles in time to avoid them while running at full pace. Conversation is still an unwelcome distraction under those circumstances.

The two priests we happened upon should perhaps be addressed as priestesses. Both were women, and happened to be the only two female Jashinists I knew of. Does that add an extra dimension to their sacrifice? Uma thought so.

"Lucky," he breathed. "Women are worth more, y'know." Fertile ones, anyway. According to him, giving birth went against Jashin's hopes and so we would later learn the priestesses had made themselves sterile a long time before.

"No they're not," Hidan argued.

"Shut up, both of you."

We were barely able to set up a trap and get ourselves into position within the given time. We could not risk capturing them any closer. to the temple, whose location was too well-secured for an untargeted attack to be believable.

Our attack did not begin as planned; somehow Uma's foot became tangled in the brush and he fell face-first across their path.

"Um, excuse me... What are you doing?" One woman said, not even realizing his intent.

With an eyeroll, I signaled Hidan to free him while I jumped in. "Give me all your money!" I was sure to theatrically shout in a womanly voice.

We were all costumed and the boys were illusioned so that we appeared to be an older group of idiots.  I may have based us on Junji's family, but sue me.

"Now, now, there's no need for violence." The second priestess spoke while discretely securing a knife within her sleeves. Knowing her intent, I prepared my outfit for its debut moment and leapt out to meet her.

"That's it, lets do this the easy way," I urged, approaching with a rope. "I know they might not look it, but these buffoons are some of the best fighters I've ever seen."

"Is that so? You all seem a little beaten up. Perhaps you should let us heal you," she said as she placed a hand on my bloodied arm. Her tone sounded with just the right level of motherliness, and a lesser person - one who had actually had a mother figure at some point, for instance - might have hesitated.

"Fuck you," I sneered, dragging her arms behind her and binding them tightly. I proceeded to knock her to the ground and approach the other priestess, who had likewise 'surrendered'. I half-expected their resistance to come as I bound her, staying wary.

"Mmm, I think we shouldn't stop at their money," Uma whispered as he finally approached. "The one's too fuckin' old, but we could get a fair price for the younger girl... Or some fun, at least."

I hated that he used that tactic, but I could understand it. Though the two had been relaxed throughout their surrender, I could sense a growing tension. It took another ten minutes of his mumblings for them to snap and take the bait, ripping off their ropes and pouring out their bloody chakra into circles and triangles.

The Shogawa boys continued to put on one of the worst performances I've ever heard. "Their skin! It's gone black! Whatever are they doing?!"

"In your condition, you should have chosen your targets more carefully!" One priestess snarled, and together they stabbed themselves in the gut. Caught up in the moment, Hidan made fake pained noises to match their literal screams.

"Woah," I said, injecting a reasonable amount of wary surprise into my speech. "Are you that desperate to get away from us?"

How did that plan work, you might be asking? Jashinists can tell even without seeing their skin whether or not their ritual has 'begun', and the blood for it needed to seem fresh enough to be usable. The ritual could be activated only by tasting blood... or, you know, some water from the Valley of Hell. As that could not genuinely congeal, it suited our purposes perfectly.

I was lucky to know about those waters at all. In our many travels with Shouchiku, we had camped near the Valley of Hell once again. I had dared Uma to attempt his ritual on the waters, to test if they truly ran with blood. And perhaps they do, for it worked and has continued to work.

Severely injured and losing blood rapidly, we were easily able to knock out the priestesses. I then began the process of healing and stabilizing their wounds - unaided, of course.

"How is it that neither of you know anything of medical techniques?" I grumbled. "Why are either of you here at all? I did all the work in the end."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"I'd love to learn something..." Uma promised, allowing his brother to speak crassly as usual. "As long as you're the one teaching me."

We were still using our character's voices, and would continue to do so until the priestesses were properly secured in our basement in Yugakure. Their basement, I mean.

As far as sneaking into Yugakure while covered in blood and carrying unconscious women... I had made a few plans to be discrete, but ultimately we pretended to be shooting a small-scale ninja movie.

"No pictures," Uma scolded tourists as we went along. He had taken up the position of cameraman, and used the transformation technique to reinforce that character. Hidan played the part of stoic ninja, for once; I made up a variety of overdramatic lines to shout as we exhaustedly carried bodies.

"Is this one of those Princess Yuki copycat movies?"

Seriously, people are stupid. We barely lost our audience on our circuitous path around Yugakure, and I have since considered producing a genuine movie along those lines.

"That was the funnest thing I've ever done," Uma told me as we lined up to shower. "I can't believe it fucking worked, though."

"Most enjoyable," I suggested, too tired to criticize his language any further.

"Huh?" Grammar isn't particularly important anyway, so I believe I left it with that.

Hidan would sacrifice the older woman that night, and begin his next non-believer collecting spree next week. They were summoned by the High Priest to search for the priestesses along with several other believers... Despite that, weeks passed before the site of their capture was found.

A plan well-done, you might say... But too much blood had been spilled for nothing to come of it.


	22. Chapter 22

_[decoded and transcribed]_

What would my past self have thought about helping one of the show's villains gain his immortality? And while I'm thinking of that show... Did Uma ever exist in it? Was he in some filler I never watched, or had he died too young to ever matter? Would he have forced Hidan to sacrifice him? It seems likely, considering the patterns of behavior in this world. Like the clan-killer Itachi, he might have baited Hidan into it without ever showing his true feelings... Even for someone as open as Uma, it could have been possible.

... It didn't happen. There's no point thinking on it.

Shouchiku became suspicious of our activities after that seal master died. I honestly expected her to change her approach, to lose all faith in me.

"I know you blamed bandits, but didn't you kill him?" She asked me over dinner. "Why did you kill him? Or did the boys do it? His family's very upset, you know! We're paying them a visit tomorrow."

"... If you're going to ask questions, you should give me a moment to answer."

"If all of your lies are that boring, I don't want to hear them." Shouchiku and her ridiculous sense for the arts... "Also, property damage? Why? I thought you liked the Takeno castle! You said it was the cutest one!"

Whatever I said then was smothered over as Shouchiku began to outline what she knew of my recent activities. She suspected our part in a variety of kidnappings, some of which I had not even taken part in.

"I'm really starting to think those boys are a bad influence on you," she concluded, "or perhaps you're all bad influences on each other. I'm happy to see you happy, but this all appears so pointless. All three of you are shinobi, and yet those two are obviously traitorous toward their village. Are you trying to recruit them? What benefit is there for Konoha in any of the things you're doing? You're planning on returning there someday, aren't you?!"

I had been practicing my poker face throughout, and failed to notice that she had finally reached a set of questions that she wanted answered. As a result, she began whapping my head.

"Why." Whack. "Do." Smack. "You serve." Thwack. "Konoha?"

It was an important moment. Like many vital questions, I had dismissed it long ago and never thought on it again. I honestly felt that I had no choice but to stay a ninja, to hold fast to my contrary nature. But being a blind ninja had become somewhat easy, and it no longer drove me.

My motivation? A sense of obligation. That was why I had been so easily swayed by the Shogawa brothers' sense of purpose: because in truth I had none of my own.

"You always have a choice," Shouchiku reaffirmed. "If Konoha isn't for you, if you can't understand and feel in your heart the reason why people protect that village... I won't blame you for quitting."

Returning to the present for a moment, I want to say that I love Konoha... But I did return with a mind open to the possibility that I might hate it. For all the issues I still have with the village's history and policies, I'm coming to believe strongly in the will of fire.

There's a reason that this village has reached such renown, a reason it boasts such a huge population. The Konohagakure that disinterested me was the one I saw from Danzou's perspective; but experiencing it for myself, meeting its people and climbing its trees... I'm proud to protect it.

I nearly didn't make it back here, to Konoha. At her words I began to create life plans, to tell myself that I would be guided no longer by whims and others' machinations. I thought about who I was as a person, who I had been.

"Shouchiku... I don't mind killing people. I should feel guilty, I know that, but-"

"Do you want to care?" She asked me.

"I do not know. I don't... I don't think I want to continue my studies any more. I want the seal on my tongue removed, but after that... I would like to disappear. I think I want to travel more. This world is so large, and I have loved seeing Hot Water country. Konoha... There is so much awfulness there. Hypocrisy. How many people -"

My tongue swole then, but I would have continued to say, "- have I killed for them? How many of those people deserved it? That Uzumaki woman wouldn't have hurt anyone. Fumiko wouldn't have hurt anyone... A place like Konoha destroys every shred of kindness it finds. At least Kabuto escaped it!"

Shouchiku continued to support me, helping me to breathe. "Hot Water has many hidden places, I'm sure you've noticed that. If you really want to stay, I can help you... Although, if the people I find to help you get killed again-"

"O-one dime ding," I managed to interject. "Not by bault."

We stayed up all night talking, a non-stop interrogation. I mentioned a sense of hopelessness, the temptation that Uma's faith offered. Though I never said it directly, Shouchiku had learned of his murderous rituals through other means, and urged me against Jashinism. "I can't abide by a faith that demands death unreasonably," she said firmly. "My own beliefs aren't so clear as to have a name, but... Every piece of magic I know was taught to me by an ascetic in Fire Country, and his faith deeply affected me."

That's about where she finally began to tell me about herself. Her real clan name, Ubusuna; why she calls herself Shouchiku Nao; that she had been born, raised, and exiled from Fire Country long ago... As she got a little tipsy, she started to tell me about my mother.

"Hayami was the best student I'd ever had. I lived in Takeno when she came to me, y'know, the town you destroyed."

I had caused some minor fire damage to a tourist attraction, but she made it sound as though I had razed its houses and salted its fields.

"Her singing voice was like nothing I'd ever heard. I told you she was sixteen? She'd already met your father, but they didn't get along. Did you know, he was related to Hot Water's great lord! Your grandmother was a princess! She didn't want to be, so-"

"You can tell me about my grandmother later."

"Ah, right. Your father was all stuck up though, sooo fancy, and your mother was doing her best to get away from that. The Shimura clan has old traditions that come not from fighting, but from faith and religious service to nobility, and she hated all of it. When she came to me, she told me - Don't teach me any of that sealing crap! I'll stay the summer and then you can just tell them I was too dumb to teach. Ah, but it didn't work that way... Hayami came to like it here, too."

"You taught her performance skills?" I supposed.

"Oh, yes. She was a horrid dancer at first, it was hilarious! I'm sure your natural ability must have come from your father. And Hayami just loved to write lyrics and poetry, too. When she was pregnant with you... So many of her letters had little songs that she wanted to sing you." I could remember my mother's singing, just a little. I wondered if I had misunderstood her. "It's funny... Until you were born, she wanted to name you Hisako."

That had been the first I'd heard of it. "Is that so?"

"I don't know where she got it from, but she always wanted to name a child that. Even the three cats she took in to my home were each named Hisako, haha! I was so surprised when she wrote me after you were born, that she'd named you Kagome instead."

"Why did she change her mind?"

"I don't know for sure... It was so much easier for her to dodge questions through letters. But if I had to guess, I think that once she held you in her arms she saw that you weren't  the child from her dreams. Hayami probably realized that holding you to the expectations she'd given that name would be unfair. You're a real, living person, and you deserved more than that."

"... Hmm." I said right then, but... That annoyed me. Shouchiku's theory seemed to be biased from her kind history with my mother. I can remember my babyhood, and I can remember that my mother wanted nothing to do with me. She held me only when the servants were too busy, and she sang only when I struggled to sleep.

My opinion as of now is that the child in her head, that Hisako, was not allowed to have such a debilitating condition. Whoever Hisako might have been to her, I could never have been her. Even in a world where I was born with sight and named Hisako, I would have eventually abandoned it for the sheer femininity.

"Why Kagome, though? Do you know that?"

She didn't. "It sounds beautiful, though."

It sounds like a curse. Really... even in my first life I'd hated the name my mother gave me. A name is a parent's goal for their child, and I think she saw only pain and death for me. A woman like that, who could abandon her child so easily... I don't want to understand her.

I changed the subject back to the monks, having become uncomfortable discussing Shimura Hayami. And so Shouchiku Nao finally suggested a path for me: "As long as you pinky promise not to kill any of your fellows, I think you should try out training as a monk! There's a sect that uses the five element theory and has a temple near Himura!"

And so she wrote a letter to them in the morning, asking about acolyte requirements. "I'll wait to send it until we see how today goes," she told me.

So... Our plan. The sealing master Daiki had been a thirty-five year old man with three children, and his funeral services were that day. It was a Buddhist ceremony, as was common, overseen by monks. We brought fifty thousand ryou to aid with the funeral costs, a ridiculous sum that Uma provided. Shouchiku had passed along my poor excuse about bandits, but it was still right of us to contribute more as it was our fault. Although... Daiki's wife seemed to believe me, at least.

"I'm sure you did all you could," she told me after my insincere apology, gripping my hands tightly. This was before the chanting, while those who had come were first gathering to enter the funeral parlor.

I listened closely to the monk's chants and songs, paid mind to the bells and movements. The body had not yet been burned, but the strong smell of incense pervaded that room.

I listened with another ear as a woman quietly explained to her child about the days after this on which different ceremonies would be held with the family. If my parents had received a service like this... I'm glad I wasn't permitted to attend. They were ninja, though, and ninja are usually far less religious.

The monks finished their piece, and they and the family began to nail the coffin closed. I wondered as I listened whether their line of work could really bring me any peace, or any sense of belonging.

"Things will absolutely get better from here," Shouchiku swore to me, as though she knew my thoughts.


	23. Chapter 23

_[decoded and transcribed]_

The portion of my life spent at the temple feels strangely distant... This is my fifth attempt to talk about it. My speech was becoming aggravatingly disorganized, something I am blaming my headache for.

Shouchiku and I arrived at Himura's temple very early in the morning, on foot. The night before, she had been too excited to allow either of us a proper rest, and we had set off around midnight. She left the caravan with a few sleeping roadies, like your average irresponsible old lady. "It'll be fine," she said, like always.

"The sun isn't even up yet!" Shouchiku chirped after describing the temple to me. "We made great time!"

We were very fortunate that anyone was awake to greet us. An acolyte with that exact task seemed taken aback by our timing, but was nonetheless polite.

"I'm terribly sorry to make this request, but is there some way that your beads could be muted..?"

Poor Kaito.

Before she left me to the temple's tender mercies, Shouchiku said, "Wow, I actually get to say goodbye to you this time!" And laughed a little. "It's a nice change!"

"I suppose I deserve that."

She hugged me tightly, pressing a line of her beads into my hands. All of her beads bore the shouchiku hexagram, allowing her to use them to store energy; there were one hundred and eight beads on the line she gave me, making them somewhat similar to prayer beads. "Take this, and do your best, okay?"

"You'll see me again to release my seal," I remind her. "You're not dying, are you?"

"Of course not!" Shouchiku replied, tone full of laughter and mock offense. "I'll live to be forty-three billion!"

I rolled my eyes as she fussed with my clothes just a little. Eventually, she added, "You have to visit me for more than that, you know!"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"So cold!" She whined. "Ah, and after all I've done for you..!"

Shouchiku thus left in a huff, after which Kaito called for another monk to introduce me to the temple. I still do not know his name, but for the purpose of verbal differentiation... Let's call this monk Ahou. As the hour was early and I had not slept, they gave me a place to rest.

The events of my first week are not clear to me, but I know that I intended only to quietly observe. I had agreed to try out the religious path, but I was not particularly motivated. I'm sure the normal daily prayers went on, and classes occurred... Ahou granted me the name Ritsu to represent this new phase of my life.

It struck me as a hilarious name, right from the start. I believe I've described my personality assignments for sounds, and by that policy Ritsu should be a soft child that wears his heart on his sleeve. It was not a part that I was capable of playing... And his meaning behind it, referencing the laws of monastery life, likewise felt absurdly misplaced.

In my second week, I was confronted by a monk I will henceforth refer to as Niku. "Your mentor is renown for her skill with the sixty-four hexagrams," he mentioned. "Would you be willing to do a reading for me?"

I had only used them for spells, but I thought I understood how to apply them to divination. It is a regrettable circumstance in which I was very wrong... I've spoken about it so many times today. Must I do so again?

According to my knowledge of spells, the results were kai becoming setsu. His coins had resulted in rolls of seven, seven, nine, nine, seven, eight. I pulled some weird information out of my ass to match their magical purpose, and he lectured me for it.

"You must use the information provided by the book of changes to truly glean a hexagram's meaning!" There were a number of other things he disliked about my method, like my use of coins as opposed to yarrow. I disliked that he consulted a physical book.

"What is your understanding of it, sir?" I asked, attempting to mask my fury.

"The way that these have answered my question, and what that question was... That's not for you to know."

Asshole.

He proceeded to gossip about it with just about every other child in the monastery, if any of them can be believed. Most of them were under the impression that the question he had wanted to divine an answer to was, "is this student worth teaching?" Though some phrased it as, "is the student capable of learning?"

There was far more variety in his interpretation of kai becoming setsu, according to my fellow students.

The most reliable of them, Ami, told me only that he referred to the two hexagrams as 'decision' and 'limitation'. She was the first to tell me that the initial hexagram divined by such methods should address his current situation, while the changed hexagram answers the question.

Other children had a variety of things they believed he had divined about me, like homicidal tendencies, an inability to reach Neban, and a strong unwillingness to learn. I'm not saying that this was entirely wrong, but... These rumors made Himura temple very, very different for me from Konoha's orphanage.

Many of the monks seemed likewise hesitant about me. They were all aware of my blindness, but did little to ensure that I could learn as well as my peers...

Ah, I might be a little ahead of myself. I don't know if all monasteries are like that one in this regard, so I'll mention that we spent four to five hours a day studying ancient texts. A different hour of the day was dedicated to a lecture from one of the many monks regarding some great tale of morality or proverb.

Those lectures were the most aggravating portion of my day. There were apparently a multitude of visual aids for the monks, who would often tap a poster while saying "this" or "that". I was left to make my best guesses about what exactly they were discussing.

Readings would have helped, if I could read. "Some other student will surely be kind enough to read to you," Niku had said. But within my first month I became an even more popular target for harassment than elephant-eared Fuki. There was a brief time in which he was willing to read for me, because he was my roommate and had no other friends. Then another child had offered to be his friend if only he abandoned me, and he did so in a heartbeat.

There is a belief among religious figures in this world that children are closer to the gods. I believe that the children at Himura became so cruel and manipulative because they were unnecessarily spoiled due to that myth, and regret that I was too mature to take advantage of it myself. I was treated as an adult from the start, though a mildly incompetent one.

By my third month, I had given up. My promise to Shouchiku Nao kept me from simply leaving, and so I began to live however I pleased even when it defied the monastery's code.

Have I mentioned the food yet? I've ranted and ranted about it today, but did any of that make it to this take, yet..?

At any rate, most people are aware that Buddhist monks are not allowed to eat meat. 'That's doable,' I thought, back when I agreed to follow all of the rules. I deeply underestimated my own love for fish... To make it worse, there were also rules against strong tastes and spicy foods. One chef was charged with providing all twenty of the monastery's regular inhabitants with two daily meals, and there were nearly ten others on even more strict diets at different intervals. Groceries were purchased only when donated ingredients were scarce... Packaged foods were strictly prohibited.

As a person that grew up on cheap and easy convenience meals in a relatively modern city, I was not in a good space to appreciate the health benefits of shojin ryouri. Thus, when skipping class failed to concern anyone, I thought to steal food.

A small supply of donations that were not suitable for our consumption, whether because of fish, meat, or eggs, could be found in a special section of our pantry. They were placed as offerings or given to visitors, instead.

I took a great deal of caution entering the pantry, intending to not be caught for a few weeks yet. But as I searched by smell for something appealing, I sensed the chef approaching.

I hid myself with confidence amidst the rafters. Few people thought to look above, and at any rate I assumed that she could not be aware of my intrusion.

"Get down from there," she said before the door was even fully open. "You're Ritsu, aren't you?"

Startled and unable to process her words, I didn't move until she stepped in and was clearly looking right up at me.

"Would you please come down?" She requested, and I complied. It was an unbelievably... embarrassing... Experience...

... There's something outside -

_[transcriber's note: There's a crashing sound at this point. Another voice can be heard, which I have labeled as 2.]_

_1:_ What's going on?!

 _2:_ Emergency. Take your mask, it's the clan district-

 _1:_ The diplomatic-?

 _2:_ Ah. Let's go, Crane.

_[transcriber's note: From here, there is a four hour silence.]_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_[Ten seconds before the tape ends, the usual voice says one phrase.]_

... I fucked up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one's ever asked about that ending, and I'm bitter about it. Do you want me to delete it? It won't be explained for a long minute.


	24. Chapter 24

_[decoded and transcribed]_

Well, I can't figure out how to erase the last few hours of my previous entry, but honestly? Fuck it. I'm not doing another retake.

I left off with my first real conversation with Yoki, the chef. By the way, that is not her actual name, just a nickname I gave her... Others generally referred to her by title as her name was just too strange.

"Those who cannot control themselves in matters of food are like beasts," Yoki scolded me. She would say something similar the next night, and the night after that, when she caught me yet again. I was annoyed about it back then, because she did not report me, but did not allow me to to break the mandatory diet either.

"You have potential... What you need now is self-restraint."

Yoki eventually became one of the two people actively aiding in my education. There are a number of proverbs that she lives by, and two in particular caught my attention: 'It is better to shave the heart than the head' and 'Evil people have a unique opportunity to reach heaven'. One phrase chastises me, while the other encourages.

I don't know how Yoki heard about my classroom situation, but her punishments for my theft changed abruptly. Suddenly she was tying me to chairs and forcing me to listen and repeat as she read my textbook out loud for me.

"You don't need to disguise your help as discipline," I grumbled eventually. "I am incredibly grateful for your help."

"Please try to sound grateful, then."

Spring arrived, and with it came my thirteenth birthday. Despite my intentions, I remained at the temple and learned a great deal. When Yoki reached the limit of her knowledge, she introduced me to Tashichu.

Now, Buddhists have a number of incomprehensible traditions: I already knew that. But self-mummification in particular amuses me. Tashichu was thirty-five when I saw him last, but had the appearance of a sixty year old... This is because he was six years into a special diet designed to eliminate all fat from his body so that it would not rot once he had starved.

Supposedly, those who suffer greatly and leave a fully intact corpse will gain great power over this world from yet another realm whose name I have forgotten. In my initial teachings, I was told that there were only six possible worlds a being could be reborn into... Perhaps I misunderstood that, because every little myth seemed to include a brand spanking new realm one could try to be reincarnated towards.

"With the power I will gain, I will eliminate war." Tashichu declared. His lofty goal was shared with the five other priests at Himura who were likewise torturing themselves to death.

If Tobi knew of this method, would he have had the guts to attempt it, I wonder?

At any rate, Tashichu's focus was on teaching me the mantras and their purposes. They are prayers, of course, but as a ridiculously unreligious acolyte I cared only for their technique-like uses.

"I trust you to grow into a responsible man," Tashichu told me when I admitted such. "I hope that you find faith somewhere, even if it is not here."

It was Tashichu who talked Ahou into teaching me ceremonial dances. Shouchiku had always described me as a prodigy, and I entered his classes with confidence. However, my efforts were never quite enough for dear Ahou. Lacking any other appropriate method, he used a stick to force me into the correct positions and the stick to beat me with when I proved a failure.

"There's no feeling to your movements!" Was his most common complaint. "You're out of synch with everyone!" Came next in line, and annoyed me. I was following along with the drum; if my fellow dancers were following the sight of one other to judge their timing, that was not my problem. I was usually too intent on my dance to focus on sensing others' detailed actions...

Hmm, that reminds me. At Tashichu's advice, I would eventually begin to lose myself in the woods a little and meditate, clutching the prayer beads Shouchiku provided and murmuring mantras under my breath. I've always enjoyed repetitive phrases, like Jugemu Jugemu Gokounosurikire Kaijarisuigyo no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo no Shuringan Shuringan no Gurindai Gurindai no Ponpokopi Ponpokona no Choukyuumei no Chousuke.

There's one particular mantra that I enjoyed for its myth, that saying it one million times would grant a person perfect recall. It has other uses as well.

_[transcriber's note: Jugemu is still said without coding. The following phrase is also unencoded.]_

_Noubou akyasha kyarabaya on ari kyamari bori sowaka._

_Noubou akyasha kyarabara on ari kyamari bori sowaka._

There was one strange incident in which I was out meditating, and I began to sense something... Odd. I am still not sure if this was some sort of hallucination or not, but I started to detect chakra-like energy around me. I was in a vaguely out of body state already, and the change came slowly, so it did not alarm me. It was only when a voice appeared that I startled and the sudden lack of that energy caused me to recognize it.

I can't remember its exact words, though I know the tone... It's like they're blurred. I just know that it was encouraging me.

"Who's there?" I snapped, though I could not sense anyone's presence nearby. It's answer was blurry, hardly audible... It calmed me, but I can't remember how. I began to meditate again, this time with awareness. When I began to sense that strange energy, I realized that it stemmed from the trees, and also from a childlike figure sitting at my side.

My first thought was of Zetsu. Absurd, right? I asked the thing what it was, and it left me with the impression that it was not one thing in particular... Then it faded away, leaving a faint sense that it was sorry to go so soon.

It really does sound vaguely religious, when I put it like that... I continued to meditate nearly daily, paying better mind to my lessons in the hope that I could understand what I had heard. I sensed the trees again, a few times... But nothing else appeared before that day came.

Shouchiku Nao arrived suddenly, on an early summer's day. I sensed her approach before I could hear it, but only barely: she brought a little crowd and the caravan, this time.

"Ritsu's old mentor has arrived. She would like to see meet with him in the entry hall..." Someone came by to tell me.

With Ahou's permission, I left class and went to meet with her. Shouchiku's headdress had been confiscated as she entered the property, and would be returned when we left.

"Did you grow taller again?! You pest!" In place of a greeting, she told me that and threw herself at me.

"You seem to have grown shorter," I corrected her, and said nothing more until there was no one within earshot. "Is your spell ready?"

"Yes! It'll take a little bit to place, and I've got something else for you, too. See if you can come down to town with me!"

Suspecting that others might not give permission, I only spoke to Yoki.

"Run some errands for me while you're at," she said, and listed off four or five ingredients, and also ordered me to buy some gift for Shouchiku while I was at it. The amount of money she gave me was a little ridiculous - a thousand ryou, for groceries and a single gift? Three hundred ryou was enough.

Climbing the mountain path down to Shouchiku with her entourage was certainly strange. After months of near-silence, I was once again surrounded by noisy performers and jangling beads.

At their insistence, I told them a few stories I'd learned from the temple. Chief amongst them was 'if the wind blows, basket weavers will make money.' It's one of my favorites, though I didn't appreciate Shouchiku Nao's commentary.

"Ah, I never thought about that. It's no wonder you're so good at playing the shamisen, since you're blind!"

I won't tell the full story, but in summary... A breeze makes a bunch of people blind. Those blind people then buy shamisen, made with cat skin, and because so many cats are dying, rats run wild and eat baskets, so basket makers are also needed.

It's an amusingly messed up story. I think that it could have stopped at 'if the wind blows, cats will be killed' for greater confusion, personally; but it is a traditional tale, and so it isn't up to me where it ends.

As for what Shouchiku told me, as she made preparations to remove my seal... I feel strange describing it as it was said to me, but... It went something like this.

"Alright, lay right in this circle.. Two inches to the right, there you are... The other thing I have for you is a message. Danzou's personal army has been ordered to disband, and some member of it told the Hokage to call for you. He wrote to me to ask you to return to Konoha as a proper chunin."

She's so casual, even with important and vital news. She continued to update me on events in Konoha with only a hint of sheepishness. "I probably should have told you about it much sooner, but... The Hokage that wrote me is the Third, Sarutobi Hiruzen. The Fourth Hokage died a week or so after your arrival here... There's many rumors about the exact circumstances, but Konohagakure denied any sort of aid even from Hot Water country. It seems like they're on a path toward peace, though... A number of ceasefires were arranged recently. I don't think they're actively at war any more."

"You believe it would be for the best if I returned..?"

"I think... That maybe you should give it a chance. Unless, are you happy at the temple?" Are you finally happy, her voice seemed to ask. "You could use this opportunity to ask him if you can quit properly, without being a missing non! Do you want that?"

Rather than answering, I processed something a little late. "Someone told Hokage-sama to call for me? Do you know their name?"

"Mm, well... Ah, hold on. I'm ready, so lets continue this conversation afterward!"

She knocked me out for the seal removal, which took three hours. I woke feeling lighter than I had in years, with my head clearer. "Kabuto would be disappointed in me," I murmured first, though I'm no longer sure why.

"You're awake! How do you feel?"

Suspicious. That's how I felt, upon hearing her voice. I sat up and said, "Shouchiku-san, do you know what my mission was when I arrived here?"

"H-heh?" She was genuinely, understandably, surprised. It was most certainly out of the blue.

"That mission... It's been at the back of my mind, unable to come forth. There's other strange occurrences, as well. You had braille learning tools ready for me the instant I arrived-"

"So that's what that part was for," Shouchiku murmured. Her voice just then was more serious than I had ever heard it before. "You're right. I've lied to you a little, because I feared what you might tell your uncle."

"Do you pose a threat to Konoha?"

"I spread rumors that I was working on a spell  that could destabilize a jinchuuriki's seal... In the hopes that you would be sent to me. I'm not actually making one, not any more. There's been no point."

My mind at that moment had disregarded the emotions of the past few years. I believe that, with the seal applied, my memories formed differently. It's like with my past life's memories - they initially felt as though they belong to someone else, and it was far easier to analyze them.

"I don't understand your motive. Explain yourself." I had no weapons, but I formed a chakra scalpel around my hands.

"This is a little painful," She whispered, though her tone was contradictory. Shouchiku had been standing near me, but she sat herself on the floor and set her arms out in a gesture of surrender. "My reason... I fear it will disappoint you, but I was lonely. I've greatly missed Hayami, and hoped that the sight of her child might bring me some happiness."

"You've attempted to turn me against Konohagakure by sending me to this temple-"

"That's not the case!" Her emotionless state cracked, and she took a deep breath. "I couldn't see a child suffering in the way that you were, and then just - just send you back, as though it wouldn't happen again..."

My eyebrow jumped. I didn't believe that any person could aid a ninja, however young, for such a pure reason.

"My time at the temple has certainly been interesting. Was it meant to drive me back to you in such a way that... I would not..."

... I will kick Uma's ass before I will admit it to him, but it was my memories of him that caused me to hesitate. I had been about to imply something about how his existence had interfered with her manipulations, and the temple was meant to turn me against him, but... That was obviously untrue.

My time with Uma was more proof than anything that Shouchiku had no particular path for me. She had initially approved of our friendship, only growing concerned when she discovered that he was leading me to further trauma.

I ended my technique without realizing, and grabbed my head. My conclusions had been wrong, and that forced me to review. A few moments of silence passed, until I found myself asking, "The name of the person who told Hokage-sama to find me. Who was it?"

I could only think of one person - Kinoe.

"Tenzou," she answered hesitantly. It rang a faint bell, but not with any memories I held from this world. Tenzou was a character from that comic, just another of many codenamed held by... Well.

"Tenzou, huh... I don't know who that is, but... Thank you for answering me."

I passed out at that point... Which makes this as good a stopping point as any. With any luck, I can finish this record tomorrow.


	25. Chapter 25

_[decoded and transcribed]_

This should be my last entry... But taping these has been a little therapeutic, and I'm tempted to continue. I think it might cause me to dwell unnecessarily, however.

Rather than pick up where I left off, I'll summarize a little bit. I decided to try returning to Konoha, and sent a practitioner I knew well back to the temple with the groceries and Yoki's change. I regretted threatening Shouchiku, but felt that purchasing a gift as Yoki had suggested would be inappropriate now.

We planned my leave, and I began to think of things that I still wanted to do in Hot Water.

"I would like to say goodbye to Shogawa Ryuuma," I said, because he and his brother were the only people other than Shouchiku that I had come to care about.

"Um... You said goodbye to those boys before you came here, didn't you? I heard the three of you got super drunk, made out with some fish, and burnt that apartment down."

... I deleted every entry that described that going-away party, didn't I. She was yet again exaggerating; only their table was burned, and it was salvageable. As for the fish... Well... I still have a couple of their rib bones on earrings. I can only guess, but I think that we had a little ritual in which I said farewell to eating fish. Their sacrifice has since proven to be in vain, but these earrings are stylish, at least.

Uma and Hidan had never known I was a Konohagakure ninja, and I certainly wasn't going to tell them I was becoming a Buddhist monk. Imagine how Hidan would've taken that! I told them instead that I was returning to my hometown and that I might visit in a few years. I was already twelve during that party, with Uma fifteen and Hidan still eight.

That was the last time I met with them, because I conceded to Shouchiku's point. I was, and am, a rational and practical person... But there was something about those two that caused me to act ridiculous. I can't even blame alcohol, as it was only involved in one relatively tame instance.

Other than that, I had no remaining concerns. A part of me wanted to go out into the world and seek Kabuto instead, to return only if he would... But there was no guarantee that Orochimaru would act as he had in the manga, when he had already defied my knowledge once. I had no idea where Kabuto might be, thanks to that.

I left for Konoha alone, awkwardly hugging Shouchiku goodbye at Himura. "I'm sorry that I'm a wreck," I told her honestly. "Yesterday..."

"I understand," she replied, holding me tightly. "Take care of yourself, and write - well, find a way to write to me, okay? Also, get some help! Wait that came out all wrong, but.. Go see a therapist or something, please?  Don't just live as a tool. If you change your mind, you know how to find me, okay? I'm here for you."

... Ahh, it's selfish of me, but I wish she hadn't asked me to get help. I'm trying, but it's annoying. I feel too dependent and weak, attending those sessions. Perhaps if I had told Shouchiku that Uma-sensei was a psychiatrist, she wouldn't have asked... Wow, that is really selfish of me.

Ugh, but what's the point in trauma if I can't use it as an excuse..?

All jokes aside. I made it safely to Fire Country, and discovered that there was a barricade over our border: entry could only be made through certain guarded points. I was fortunate enough to fall in with a group of travelers that recognized me from Shouchiku's shows.

There was something to exiting Hot Water country with a group of strangers that felt like coming full-circle. There wasn't anyone among them quite like Seiichi or Kaiyomura Tekkami, though... I was with them as I crossed the checkpoint, where we were asked for identification.

As I was not aware that I would need anything like that, I was forced to sheepishly explain my circumstances to the guard. I was unwilling to reveal myself as a Konoha shinobi until I could speak with the Third, knowing that ROOT was unlikely to have truly disbanded; I believe that I gave him the name Shogawa Ken as my own.

"Have you ever heard of Shouchiku Nao? She's a famous performer in Hot Water, and I've been her apprentice for the last few years-"

"Oo, what sort of performance is that?" I'll mention here that the guard was a Yamanaka, probably around my age. He was shorter than me, but not by much. I would eventually learn that his name was Santa, and that he is just a little too friendly at times.

"I'm a storyteller and a musician," I told him.

"Oh, you've got that kind of look! And... Right, I'm sorry for interrupting, ahaha..."

"It's fine! Don't worry about it. I'm always happy to discuss my work. That's why I'm going to Fire Country, to reach a new audience!"

Naturally, this led him to ask for an example. It made sense; if I were not truly a performer, this might have stumped me.

I chose to tell him the tale of Jugemu. It riveted both my companions and Santa, who loved the name. "It's already nearly dusk, so could you camp nearby?" He asked, once I had finished. "I really want to learn how to say that! Jigemu Jigemi and Paipo Paipo!"

I didn't want to, but I also had no desire to appear suspicious. We found the clearing he recommended and set up a little fire and tents, and had no trouble for several hours...

Until someone dropped down on me as I was preparing for bed, that is.

"You're the storyteller." this ninja said, and it was not a question. His next statement was also clearly a request. "Can you repeat for me what you told my teammate?"

I certainly didn't want to. He was radiation frustration, and something like killing intent lay under the surface.

"It starts with Jugemu," he said, startling me. "The priest who suggested it said it twice. His next suggestions were Kaijarisuigyo, Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu, then Kuunerutokoro ni Sumutokoro, whose meanings are obvious."

"You've seen my show before," I said, my tone light. I couldn't comprehend the hard edge to his voice, but I thought that sticking to my false personality would be my best option. Unfortunately, it was the wrong move, and he was swift to stab at my throat with a sword I had not previously noticed.

Well, I certainly wasn't going to allow that. I concluded that he must be some kind of ROOT agent, one who had heard me tell the story as a child, and thus felt no qualms about stabbing a chakra scalpel through his shoulder.

He hissed and leapt back, and his chakra began to move in a strangely familiar pattern as it exited his body through the wound. Normally energy begins to dissipate as it leaves the body, but the chakra that surrounded me then did not.

I realized that they were insects - kikaichu, specifically. My opponent was an Aburame; I could remember from the manga that a poisonous insect user had become part of ROOT eventually, and thought that this might be him.

We clashed, and I avoided every insect. An opportunity to place hexagrams arrived, and I  set a trap using gon. Before he could quite fall into it, though, his kikaichu began to do something very strange.Their chakra flow suddenly altered, clashed, or something like that - at any rate, the entire field was suddenly filled with a frazzling amount of active energy stemming from insects I could no longer detect.

I had become too dependent on my chakra sense, and in that moment I paid the price. I tripped over a root, clutching my head and scrambling to figure out my surroundings by feel through the pain.

I barely heard his gasp, and only noticed that his killing intent had dissipated after his technique ceased.

"Jugemu... It's actually you?" He said, struck dumb by the revelation.

"Fuck you, Muta." I snarled at him, having had a revelation of my own... What he said next sapped away my anger instantly.

"So Kabuto was right."

"Kabuto?" I repeated, my eyes widening. "What did he say? When did you have a chance to talk with him?"

"You already know he left with Orochimaru." Muta guessed. "I was the last person to see him... All he ever spoke about in that last month was you. He was so sure that you were alive somewhere, and he was right." Suddenly, the worst seemed to occur to him and he once again tensed. "Why are you entering Fire Country? Where have you been? You suddenly went missing six years ago, and yet-"

"That's classified," I said. "I have a letter from the Hokage," I added, gesturing toward my bag. My identity had already been revealed, and he surely would not having included anything important in a letter to a foreigner like Shouchiku. "I am in Fire Country to discuss its contents with him."

Somehow, that letter was proof enough. Against my wishes, Muta requested permission to accompany me to Konoha's gates.

"We don't know what level he's at, but my anti-sensory insects can debilitate him if necessary," he gave as an excuse when his teammates tried to ask someone else. "I am best-suited to this task."

Muta's so annoying... But with him I made it safely to the village, going directly to the Hokage. Advanced warning had been sent, and Kinoe was likewise there to wait for me... Though I should call him Tenzou, now. Ha.

In the four years that I was gone, my partner had endured a great deal. The only experience he shared with me that I'll mention is that which gave him a true name; he was called Tenzou by a person he believes may be his birth sister... She's apparently a criminal, though? I may not understand, but I'm happy for him. Now if only the ghosts of my parents would arrive and offer me a masculine name I could genuinely like...

... If I had just known who Kinoe actually was, if I had just realized... I could have helped him. If I spoke with him today, I could still help. It's a little hard to see him and work with him day after while I'm keeping so many secrets. Tenzou likewise never tells me anything, but it still feels unfair because he doesn't need to. I was born knowing his back story, dammit. And our other teammate, as well.

Ugh, I'm getting carried away! It may be easier to speak openly with a record, but... I decided that I wouldn't discuss anything past my readmittance to Konoha.

So. Tenzou had been sealed and was unable to reveal much to the Hokage about the nature of our tasks for ROOT. It fell to me to do so, now that I had finally returned. The Third is an incredibly compassionate man, and he served me tea before listening to my tales quietly. I half-expected a punishment: many of the things I admitted to doing were clearly in violation of his wishes.

"I thank you for your service," he said gravely, instead... That was four months ago, and I am now an active shinobi, permitted to wander as I please. I have not spoken with my uncle, yet; nor have I visited the orphanage...

Ending the tape here feels wrong, but I suppose that is because the story is unfinished. There's so much still unresolved, even though I've returned. Listening to these tapes and analyzing my life as a story has given me some perspective. I'll tie up every single loose end eventually. That's why I was reborn here, right?


	26. Chapter 26

_[decoded and transcribed]_

Hello... It's been a while. I've listened again to the full set of clips, and come to the conclusion that I just can't leave this as is. My life may not be over, but my childhood essentially is... There's closure to be found in revealing the facts as I now know them.

From the start, Nana. The servant that raised me and cared for me as a child is actually named Minako, and was a ROOT agent that had suffered permanent injury to her left leg a few years prior to my birth. Though I know she is likely to report back to my uncle about my person, I am in contact with her once again. She seems mildly unstable, but I am confident in my ability to differentiate her truths from her lies, and she has been willing to tell me a great deal about my mother.

As for my uncle, I came across him in public last week. I spoke cordially to him and thanked him for the opportunities he gave me... Danzou dared to ask how I was enjoying Anbu now, and hoped that I would wish Tenzou a late fourteenth birthday for him. My opinion of his intellect has decreased dramatically, however.

I mentioned that the full ROOT squad named after the five phases had eventually united for one mission... that mission involved an assassination attempt against the Third Hokage. It occurred several years ago, shortly after the Kyuubi's attack. I cannot understand how Danzou was so foolish as to attempt a coup then - more than that, I cannot understand how the Third forgave him so easily for it.

The full particulars were given to me by Hatake Kakashi, who has been able to update me on a couple other incidents my partner went through in my absence.

I've also learned that the Kyuubi attack changed much about Konoha's orphanage, as so many children were suddenly without family. The facility no longer kept ninja academy students, who were instead relocated to apartments in the village... Reminiscent of a certain child I remember from that manga.

Following his exit from ROOT, Tenzou had obtained an apartment in the same district that many of those orphaned students are using. Since my own return, I technically live next door to him... I really only use this place for sleep and recordings. That's why it took me a little longer than I should have to realize that one of our neighbors is someone I've known for a long time.

I mentioned Koori in an early tape, though only for the sake of comparison. She's also blind, though unlike me she could see in her first three years. Koori is around fifteen years old, and became a genin last week. If I did not exist, she would have likely been Konoha's first blind ninja... She has found braille resources that are a little different from Shouchiku's, and a more convenient way to produce written braille.

It's a little refreshing to have someone in a similar situation to talk to, and I want to acknowledge the impact she has had on me.

Koori has also passed on a few words from Kabuto, though they're far more humorous than Muta's. "You couldn't be dead, because you would have haunted him and gave him pimples," as she explained it. "He said that his clear face was proof."

If I died and became a ghost... Would I have thought to haunt Kabuto's pores..? I can not totally dismiss the possibility.

Talking to Koori feels a little bit wrong, though. She was another person that Fumiko had babied, and she speaks so fondly of Nonou that it can be hard to listen...

I would say that I'm most comfortable lately while I'm training. Konoha has no shortage of people that are willing to work with me, and Muta's group in particular... They were teamed for guard duty by coincidence, but Santa, Tokuma, and Muta still meet up regularly to train. They're chunin, like I am, but there's a world of difference in our specialties.

I've managed to survive thus far because I think well on my feet and take advantage when others might hesitate. Despite my ridiculous mission record, I know... What, five ninjutsu? The exchange technique, the illusionary clone, the mystic palm, the chakra scalpel, and a basic suffocation illusion. I have fairly good skills with chakra shape manipulation, but I've never learned a change in nature and my chakra reserves are below average for a chunin.

As part of a three-man cell wherein both of the others are ninjutsu specialists, I feel a little unnecessary. I serve better as backup or extraction, with my performance skills and medical knowledge... Even in that regard, four years without studying properly has left me below average for a medical ninja. Ugh.

... That's why I'm just a little grateful for Muta, who is absolutely determined to train with me. He is comparable to Gai around Hatake at times, though he hides his exuberance behind that serious Aburame demeanor. Tenzou likes him well-enough, the little traitor. Though, I'm a little worried for my partner. Hatake and I have people grabbing at us left and right, determined to stop our angsting... Tenzou only has Hatake and I, and we are both a little incompetent when it comes to him.

Tenzou is no longer my supervisor, but he is still rather picky about the way I speak to him. This makes it difficult for me to ask whether he's lonely or not...

Well. I found some suitable paper last week, and so I have been attempting to craft a letter to Shouchiku Nao. I have noticed that, throughout my tapes, there seems to be moments that my suspicions have flared. I want to lay them firmly to rest, and so that letter needs to be perfect.

Other than that... Ah, what else... My list got out of order, I think. Some things might slip through the cracks...

Right. Uma-sensei. The psychiatrist I had met with as a child met his untimely end during the Kyuubi attack, and I'm glad. I discovered this because I wanted to confront him, and now there's no need. Perhaps I should have wanted to kill him myself, but...

He lied, when he mentioned a son. Uma-sensei didn't have any family members, and none of his neighbors or coworkers know of any lover he's had. Koori is apprenticed to a member of the Konoha police, and it was to that woman that I spoke about Uma-sensei's actions; she opened an investigation on his office last week.

Now... Uzumaki Hiromi. I have already mentioned her name a few times, though I only recently learned it from the Third. I had given him the particulars of my ROOT missions from most recent to least, and so she had come last. Of the many tales I told him, her death in particular seemed to sadden the Third.

"I can only conclude that you speak of Uzumaki Hiromi." His gravelly voice held a mournful tone. "I had hoped that she could come to terms with the past in her own time and prove to be a useful resource. I was informed that she had died of illness."

The corpse examiner had been a plant, then, we concluded... It's also interesting to me that a man as compassionate at the Third referred to her as a resource.

There's only one matter I would like to discuss still. The time that I need to spend in meditation before I can sense trees is growing shorter at a surprising rate, and I've realized that it may prove extremely useful. That manga I read in my past life seems to become more worthwhile with every year that passes; though I have little faith that events will follow as I saw them, it provides me with a much better idea of where a shinobi's limits truly are.

I'm not quite fourteen, and this world is just bursting with opportunity. I'm not going to declare an objective quite so dramatic as learning every technique in the world, or becoming Hokage... But if the world tries to end in thirteen years, I want to be ready for it.


	27. Author's Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not the 'discontinued' type of author's note, though I'm sorry for the wait

When I first finished Of Turtles and Cranes, I had intended to begin the sequel within a week or so... And yet a combination of factors led me to a bit of a slump that I'm only now coming out of. I had a number of scenes written for the sequel, but have changed my mind about how I want to approach it and what I want to focus on...

I will post the start of the sequel by tomorrow night, though. In the meantime, I'm posting the scenes I had already written under a story titled 'What's In a Name?' which is temporarily linked as the sequel to this story. The scenes featured usually give other people's perspectives, something I had hoped would be refreshing after 26 chapters of listening to Shimura Hisato talk to himself.

I didn't think that he was quite ready to come up with a name, in those final chapters; but as readers I'd like you to know that he eventually chose Hisato.

Thank you!


End file.
